All About Hamilton
by phoebenpiper
Summary: Because the audience knew that Jake was a girl, all the early scenes between her and Hamilton were essentially from Jake's point-of-view. I thought it would be fun to explore Hamilton's point-of-view, especially since he's obviously so conflicted. I started this story back in 2000 when Young Americans aired but recently decided to return & write more!
1. Part 1

All About Hamilton Pt 1

a Young Americans story

by "phoebenpiper", aka Cordelia Willis

Disclaimer: Characters are property of the WB, etc. I don't own them.

...

Author's Notes: Because the audience knew that Jake was a girl, all the early scenes between her and Hamilton were essentially from Jake's point-of-view. But I thought it would be fun to explore Hamilton's point-of-view, especially since he's obviously so conflicted about his feelings, etc.

I wrote parts 1-4 back in 2000-1, shortly after the show originally aired. Parts 1-3 won 2000 Silver Oar Awards for both funniest story and best portrayal of Hamilton.

In summer of 2019 I became re-obsessed with Young Americans, 19 years after it aired. After going back through my old fanfic, I realized that I had never "finished" my Hamiltonized view of the aired episodes, so I began working on part 5. I will continue to post as I work through the rest of the episodes. I'm enjoying reliving the summer of 2000, and I hope you enjoy reading.

...

"Friends?" Jake asked, extending his hand.

Hamilton took Jake's hand and shook it. "Yeah. Friends. No question." He looked into Jake's eyes, finding them hard to read. It was almost as if they were desperately searching for approval.

_Of course! Approval! Jake broke a trust by kissing me, and now he wants forgiveness. Acceptance. Approval._

"No question," Hamilton repeated his statement of approval. He expected Jake's look to change upon hearing it, but it didn't seem to have any effect. _Maybe that's not approval in his eyes_, Hamilton thought, _because now they look almost confused. But confused about what? I'm the one that's confused here. _

_Maybe he's confused about the fact that I'm still shaking his hand._

_Oh my god, what am I doing still shaking his hand?!_

Hamilton quickly grabbed his hand away from Jake's and self-consciously wiped it on his jeans, hoping to wipe away this awkward moment.

_Quick! Recover! Do something casual so Jake doesn't suspect._

Hamilton took his same hand and playfully punched Jake in the shoulder.

"You're the man," Hamilton said, smiling and pointing at Jake as he backed away.

_Just back up casually and leave. Get out of here, quick, before you do something even more stupid._

Jake smiled and said, "Okay. I'm the man."

Hamilton shut the door behind him and sighed with relief.

_I made it_, Hamilton thought. _And hopefully Jake doesn't suspect anything._

_Suspect what? There's nothing to suspect. Is there?_

_Except maybe to suspect that I'd been staring into his deep gray eyes. Suspect how good it felt to have his hand in mind. Suspect that he's all that I've thought about ever since he kissed me on the roof._

"Oh my god, I think I'm gay."

_There. I said it. That's supposed to be the hard part, right? Saying it? _

_So why do I now feel more confused than ever?_

_Because I like girls, that's why. I've ALWAYS liked girls. Or at least always since third grade, when Cindy Hoffelmeier kissed me and I realized she had more to offer than cooties._

_And what about all those hours with my mom's stolen Victoria's Secret catalogs? Or watching the girls in their bikinis down by the lake? Or even the time I climbed the tree to sneak a peak in the girls' dorm and got stuck? Did they all mean nothing now?_

_No. Of course not. They're important. They're who I am._

"I like girls."

"Don't we all?"

Hamilton jumped, hearing someone else's voice inside his head. It took him a moment to realize the voice had been Eric's, a fellow member of the crew team, who was walking by him in the hall.

Hamilton faked a smile and called after Eric. "You know it. Go girls."

_Okay, that sounded lame. You're thinking too hard. You need to get your mind off of all this. Relax. Stop obsessing._

_TV. TV will do the trick. I'll go to the Common Room and do some quality channel surfing and totally clear my head of this Jake nonsense._

Hamilton walked into the Common Room and sat down, grateful that no one else was hogging the remote. He flipped on the TV and started flipping channels. He stopped when he saw Jennifer Aniston.

_Jennifer Aniston. Look at her. She's hot. See, this is perfect. You can totally get your mind off Jake and..._

_Wait. This is that movie where she has a gay roommate that helps raise her kid! That's not relaxing! What else is on?_

Hamilton flipped channels until he saw Julia Roberts.

_Julia's cute. See? I think she's cute. I'm normal. I'm a healthy, American male who..._

_Ah shit! It's that one where she tries to steal the guy from Cameron Diaz, and her gay best friend helps her._

_But what's that Dionne Warwick song they sing at the restaurant? That's a fun song._

_Oh my god!_

Hamilton quickly switched channels again.

_There's that Rupert guy again. Oh yeah, this is that Madonna movie where she gets pregnant by her gay best friend._

_That's it! I can't be gay! My best friend isn't a girl._

_No, my best friend is a guy. A guy that I'm totally hot for._

_Oh my god! What is my problem?_

"Stop!"

Hamilton jumped at the sound, dropping the remote. He turned to see Will Krudski sitting down on the couch, his eyes glued to the set.

"This is a great movie," Will said, mesmerized. "Nathan Lane is so funny in it."

"You know," Hamilton said knowingly, "The Birdcage is based on the musical La Cage aux Folles."

Will gave him a funny look and then turned back to the set.

_Oh my god. I like musicals! Maybe I AM gay._

_But that doesn't mean anything. Liking musicals is just a stereotype. Not all gay men like musicals._

_And not all straight men know about Nathan Lane movies and the art of Feng Shui. I'm a kook! It's all my mom's fault for raising me to be all emotional and stuff._

_No, actually, it's my dad's fault. He wasn't ever around enough to be a good male role model._

_That's it. Blame Dad for you turning into a fruit._

_But I'm NOT a fruit. I just like my best friend. _

_A lot. _

_I mean, the way his eyes kinda bore into me, like he knows what I'm thinking. _

_The way they did on the roof. I couldn't look away. He was nodding his head and smiling – smiling that cute little smile that kinda lights up his whole face – and..._

_Oh my god. I bet THAT'S why he kissed me. Because I was staring at him. Because he KNEW what I was thinking, before I even knew. Because he knew that I saw something in him, something that I wanted..._

"No, I don't want that."

Hamilton jumped at the sound of his own voice. He looked around, panicked, wondering who else had heard.

Krudski, who was still sitting nearby on the couch, turned and gave him a weird look. "Don't want what?"

_Oh my god. Abort! Abort!_

"Uh, nothing. I mean, I gotta go." Hamilton jumped to his feet and headed over to his house. Maybe his mom would be in, and they could have a nice chat, and he could forget about all these strange thoughts that were filling his head.

_Like Jake's eyes. And the way his lips felt against mine..._

"Mom!" Hamilton practically ran into his parents' house. "Are you here?"

"In here, Munchie," Mrs. Fleming said from the bedroom.

Hamilton followed the sound of her voice and found her sitting on the bed, a book in her hand.

"What're you reading?" he asked.

She held up the book so he could see the title. "Maurice. By E.M. Forster." When Hamilton looked blank, she said, "Passage to India? Howard's End? A Room with a View?"

Hamilton nodded as he leaned back against the window sill. "What's it about?"

She put a bookmark in the book and set it on the nightstand as she said, "It's about a boy named Maurice – obviously - who has an affair with a male friend while away at school."

_Oh my god. SHE knows! She knew before I knew. How did she know?_

"The book talks all about how repressive Edwardian England was before the first World War, and how prejudiced they were against homosexuality at that time. And it's partly autobiographical, too." Mrs. Fleming smiled warmly at her son. "It's a great book. You should read it."

"Uh...yeah," Hamilton said, trying to act nonchalant as he picked up the book and read the back cover.

_Maybe this is what I need. A BOOK that can tell me what's going on in my head._

"So what've you been up to? Were you off somewhere with your new friend – what's his name? Jake?"

Hamilton blushed at the sound of the name and quickly dropped the book, which bounced off the bed and landed on the floor. As he leaned over he picked it up, he said, "Yeah, Jake. He's the coxswain, you know."

"I'm so proud of you, honey, for making the crew team." Mrs. Fleming put her arm around Hamilton's shoulder and gave him a quick squeeze. "My little boy is growing up. Before I know it, you'll be leaving home and getting married and having a family of your own, and I'll be left all alone."

"With an entire school full of boys," Hamilton pointed out.

"But not MY boy," she said, squeezing him again.

"Uh, yeah," Hamilton said, squirming out of her grasp. "So...what's been going on with you?"

"Nothing much," Mrs. Fleming said. "You know, the beginning of school is always hectic. What about you? Anything exciting going on in your life?"

_She suspects! Play it cool._

"No! Nothing! Everything's fine. Boring. Normal. I'm normal. Everything's normal."

_Okay, if she wasn't suspicious before, she is now._

She gave him a funny look. "Munchie, is there something you wanted to talk about?"

Before he could answer, they heard Dean Fleming's voice in the other room. "Stupid idiots. It's the first week of summer term, and they've already flooded the bathroom. I swear, these kids get worse and worse every—" He stopped as he entered the bedroom and saw Hamilton there. "Hamilton. You didn't have anything to do with this flooding, did you?"

"Uh, no, Dad," Hamilton said.

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Honey, I thought maybe Munchie could join us for dinner tonight; you know, a family dinner together?" Mrs. Fleming said.

"That won't work. I've gotta go deal with these stupid plumbers."

"Yeah, and I got plans," Hamilton said. He frantically tried to think up some plans, in case he was pressed for details, but no one seemed to care.

"What was the name of the plumbers we had out last spring?" the Dean asked as he started rummaging through the Yellow Pages.

"Uh, I gotta go," Hamilton said, heading for the door.

Mrs. Fleming reached for his hand. "Hey, Munchie, why don't you and I go shopping tomorrow? There's a new furniture store in Carson, and I thought maybe we could get something cute for your room."

"Mom!" Hamilton said.

"You're not gonna get any of that fruity Fehng Shooee stuff, I hope," the Dean said as he picked up the phone.

"Dad, it's Feng Shui, and it's all about placement."

The Dean rolled his eyes and then said into the phone, "Uh, yeah, hi. This is Dean Fleming over at Rawley. Can you send someone out?"

Mrs. Fleming smiled at Hamilton, squeezing his hand. "So tomorrow?"

Hamilton shrugged, letting go of her hand. "Okay, Mom." He looked towards his dad, who was in a heated debate with the plumbers, and called, "See ya."

Hamilton left the room and headed into his own. He didn't feel like going back to the dorm. Jake would probably be there, and he wasn't ready to see him yet. Hamilton needed to work out what he was gonna say to Jake, and that was gonna take some time.

...

Hamilton managed to avoid Jake the entire weekend. He and his mom spent Saturday shopping, and she purchased him a small fountain for his room. Then Sunday, Hamilton spent the day in the library, reading all about E.M. Forster and Oscar Wilde. Not being around Jake, he began to almost forget about his feelings toward him. Though not completely. And Sunday night, Hamilton realized that he was gonna have to see Jake tomorrow at crew practice. They needed to talk, but Hamilton didn't want to do it in front of the rest of team. So he decided to stop by Jake's room first thing in the morning and talk to him. They needed to clear the air. Badly.

The next morning, Hamilton got dressed, steeling himself for the mission at hand. He had stayed up half the night, deciding what to say to Jake. He momentarily considered ignoring him, avoiding him forever, but that wasn't a viable option. After all, Jake was the best friend he'd had for a long time. Jake was fun: he had cool computer hacking skills and an awesome bike.

_And I'm not gonna let some stupid little kiss get in the way of all that. Jake said to forget about it, and that's what I'm gonna do._

But he couldn't forget. Not completely. He needed to talk to Jake about it, explain to him that he wasn't interested in that kind of thing. That they were friends and that was it.

_Right. Now I better go tell him before I start thinking too much again._

Hamilton went upstairs towards Jake's room. The door was open, and Jake was standing inside, looking at himself in the mirror. He'd gotten a haircut, and his hair was sticking up funny in the front.

_I like his hair shorter. It's cute._

_Oh my god, stop it!_

Hamilton cleared his throat, and Jake jumped.

"How long have you been standing there?" Jake asked warily.

"Long enough to know..." Hamilton paused, taking a deep breath.

_C'mon. Say it and get it over with._

"...that I need to make something very clear. The other day..."

_Oh my god, I can't say this standing in the hallway. Make sure no one is around! And keep your voice down._

"...when you kissed me, I could've decked you but I didn't."

_That's it. Keep going. You're doing fine._

"But if you ever try that again, I will. Because that's not who I think I am..."

_THINK I am?! Don't let him think you're unsure!_

"...I mean I KNOW I am..."

_Am what? THAT sounds bad._

"...I mean I know I'm NOT...what you think I am."

_That's better. But you better say it again to make it clear._

"I'm NOT! Get it?"

_There. I did it. I said it. It's over._

Jake looked at Hamilton, very confused. "Excuse me?"

_Oh no, now I have to explain myself? I barely got through it the first time._

"Look..."

_Okay, just tell him._

"...If you're..."

_Wait. Make sure no one can hear. No one's around. So just say the word. Just say it!_

"...gay, that's..."

_What I may be, too. No! Don't say that!_

"...whatever, that's fine."

_That's it. Make him know that you're not judging him. But be firm!_

"...But it's, it's not my bag."

Jake looked at him funny. "Well...okay..."

_Okay, he's not freaking that I said it. So maybe we can do this friendship thing after all._

"...So..."

_He doesn't look upset that I said I'm not. That's a good sign, right? Because I'm not!_

_His hair really does look cute that way. And look at his big pouty lips._

_No! Don't think about his lips! Don't even LOOK at his lips._

"...I'm gonna go..."

_I'm standing in the doorway, in his way. He can't leave. Why am I not leaving? He's probably wondering why I'm not leaving! I gotta leave!_

"...aaannnnd get my bike."

_He's looking at me funny. I'm still not leaving._

_Just move. Leave. Get out of his way so he can leave._

"See ya," Hamilton said, backing out of the room and then hurrying down the hall.

_Okay, I did it. It's over. He's gonna go get his bike, and I'm gonna...what? What am I gonna do? I think I better go think some more. This DEFINITELY didn't go as planned._

_It's all because of him. When I'm not near him, I can totally disregard the whole kiss thing. Well, maybe not COMPLETELY, but at least somewhat. I mean, he's just my friend and that's IT! _

_But standing next to him...what is it about him? I just can't stop staring. And smelling. He smells so good. Not like other guys, who smell like sweat and urinals. Even his cap smelled good._

_Oh my god, you're thinking about how his hat smells?! What is your problem?! Next you'll be smelling shoes, and trying on high heels!_

_I need fresh air! I gotta get outside and think. Clear my head. That's it. Go sit on the grass and think about things. NO! Thinking is bad. Just...go. Sit. Try to get your mind off of it._

_My book. I'll go get that __Maurice__ book I checked out and read it. Outside. In the fresh air. Where I won't have to think about Jake and his pouty lips._

_Stop it!_

...

"You're beastly hard," blurted Maurice, "you don't know what it is to have a mind in a mess, and it makes you very hard."

Durham shook his head as one who refuses to listen. He looked so ill that Maurice had a wild desire to catch hold of him.

"You might give me a chance instead of avoiding me – I only want to discuss."

"Oh Maurice, we've discussed the whole evening. Don't be so stupid – you ought to know that to be alone with you hurts me. No, please don't reopen. It's over. It's over."

"Hey."

Hamilton jumped at the sound of Jake's voice. He looked around anxiously, hoping no one saw the two of them talking together.

_Because then they might suspect._

"My bike is gone."

Hamilton quickly closed the book, hoping that Jake didn't notice what he'd been reading. "What?" he asked, having been too busy looking around to really comprehend. Then realization dawned and he asked, "Where did you leave it?"

"In that perfect hiding spot that you showed me."

_He probably thinks I took it. He's probably accusing me because he knows I was upset about the whole kiss thing._

"Well, I didn't take it!"

"Well, then who did?"

_Jake seems really pissed at me. Just like in the book. Jake is blaming me because I...wait a second. That IS a perfect hiding spot. No one knows anything about it except..._

"Oh, no. The groundskeeper. He probably confiscated it."

"Oh god."

_He looks really worried. He loves that bike._

"You know, I'm not even supposed to have that thing here."

_Yeah, Dad would probably kill him if he found out about it. No wonder Jake's freaked._

"NOW what do I do?"

_What? Me? Why me?_

"What are you asking ME for?"

Jake looked taken aback. "God, sorry."

He started to stand to go.

_Don't let him go. You owe him. After all, you said his bike would be safe. It's all your fault. Don't be an asshole just because of the whole kiss thing. Stop him before he leaves._

"Wait wait wait wait wait wait." Hamilton grabbed Jake's hand, pulling him back.

_God, his hand feels good in mine._

_Stop it! This is about the bike and nothing else. Helping a FRIEND get out of a mess that you got him into. Focus!_

"We can..."

_We can what? _

_The bike!_

"...probably figure this out."

_Make a plan. You know how to do this. Don't think of this as being with Jake – HELPING Jake - think of it as stealing. _

_Yeah, stealing, that's much more healthy!_

"Meet me at the main staircase tomorrow after dinner."

_Yeah. That's a plan. We can steal it back, and everything will be okay._

Jake smiled.

_Look at that smile. It's such a cute smile. Oh my god, I'm smiling back. Look down. Don't let him see you blushing._

"Thanks."

Jake stood up and hurried away.

_Look at him go. No! DON'T look at him go. He's your FRIEND. You're gonna just help him out. Don't think about the fact that you'll be alone together, in the dark..._

_Stop it! Go back to your book._

"Very well, Maurice, I'll discuss if you like. What's the matter? You appear to want to apologize about something. Why? You behave as if I'm annoyed with you. What have you done wrong? You've been thoroughly decent from first to last."

In vain he protested.

"So decent that I mistook your ordinary friendliness. When you were so good to me, above all the afternoon I came up – I thought it was something else. I am more sorry than I can ever say. You won't want my apology any more than anything else I could give, but, Maurice, I do make it most sincerely. It is a lasting grief to have insulted you."

_Okay, maybe this isn't helping at all!_

...

The next night, Hamilton stood in the dark at the bottom of the stairs waiting for Jake.

_Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Being near him just makes me...confused._

_But I HAVE to do this. It's my fault that his bike got taken. And all we're doing is stealing back a bike, not having some sort of illicit meeting._

_Right?_

_Wait. Here he comes._

_But what is he wearing? He looks like he's ready for a Harley convention. Or like a jewel thief. And gloves? Who owns black leather gloves?_

"We're recovering your motorcycle, not lifting the 'Mona Lisa'."

Jake looked at him blankly in the dim light. "Huh?"

_God, what a dork! And I was afraid I LIKED him?_

"C'mon."

They started to walk down the hall.

"I know the groundskeeper has it," Hamilton continued. "I used to sneak in here at night and steal lawnmowers. Ride them around the lake."

"High times at Rawley," Jake teased. "Didn't know I was partnering with a Juvenile Delinquent."

_He's the one breaking the rules by having a bike. And a hundred years ago, it was against the law for a man to kiss another, like he did to me on the roof._

"You should talk."

But as the adventure with the bike unfolded, Hamilton forgot all about Jake in that way. It was just Hamilton and his new best friend, breaking the rules and trying not to get caught. All his life he'd been an outsider, a perpetual younger brother to all the older Rawley boys who didn't want him tagging along. But now Hamilton was having his OWN adventures, and sharing them with a great new friend. It was what he'd always waited for.

But the spell was broken after they'd rolled the bike up the step to the door. Standing in the moonlight, Jake said, "You know what you said before? About me being, you know, gay?"

_Why did he have to bring this up now? We were having so much fun together. Now I'm remembering everything again. No! Don't remember! Just nod and let him go on and get this awkward moment over with._

"I'm not. That I promise you."

_You're not?! What are you talking about?! Of course you are. 'Cuz if you're not, then where does that leave me?_

_Besides alone in the dark. Looking at you. In the moonlight._

"I – I just had a sketchy moment there but it's over."

_Sketchy? You call that sketchy? You KISSED me! And changed my entire view on life!_

"I'm just saying you don't have to feel weird around me."

_Okay, understatement of the MILLENIUM! Feeling weird would be a total RELIEF compared to what I feel right now._

_But play it cool. He opened the door for you. Go ahead and say it – say how you feel._

"Well, I do..."

_Okay, stop right there._

_But you still want to hang out together. Think how much fun this was. Say something so he'll think it's okay._

"...but I'm trying not to."

_There. That's the truth. And look – he's smiling. He's glad that you're still willing to hang out. He's so cute when he smiles. And look at his eyes – they look so dark in the moonlight, so hard to read. But that smile tells all. He's happy to be here. And so am I._

Jake looked around at the dark room and the moonlight streaming in from outside. "I can't believe we pulled this off."

_All right! Back to the friend thing. This'll be fine._

"Thank god for the freight elevator."

_This is just two guy friends having adventures. CLOSE guy friends. Like brothers._

"So Hardy Boys," Hamilton said, realizing that this was the kind of thing he'd grown up reading about. And now he had it. A real friend.

"Yeah, meets Nancy Drew."

_Yeah, the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew always...wait. Why Nancy Drew? That doesn't make any sense. Is he hinting at something? No, he looks confused as well. Just forget about it. He didn't mean to say it. Just a slip of the tongue. _

_Now just get the bike out of here before Dad catches us and the shit hits the fan._

...

They stashed the bike in an even BETTER hiding place, one that Hamilton was certain the groundskeeper didn't know about. Then they sneaked back to the dorm, and Hamilton walked Jake up to his room. When they reached the door, Hamilton started to panic.

_Why did I come up here with him? What was I thinking? This looks so queer. Everything was going fine, and now I had to ruin it! He'll know!_

Jake turned to Hamilton as he unlocked his door. "Thanks, Hamilton. It means a lot...that you were willing to do this for me."

_Do what? Walk him to his door, like we're on some sort of date or something? Oh my god, does he know what I was just thinking?_

"You know, risking getting in trouble with your dad just to help me out."

_Oh, THAT! He's thanking me for the BIKE thing, not the walking him to his door thing._

"Uh...sure." _Act nonchalant._ "No problem."

_Look at him. He looks so cute in the darkness. And look at his lips. _

_No, don't!_

A sudden noise startled both of them, and Hamilton practically jumped all the way across the hall.

"Hey," Eric whispered, walking up the hallway towards them. "You guys sneaking in, too?"

Hamilton was frozen, not able to say anything.

But Jake nodded. "Yeah. Hot party in town."

Eric looked surprised. "Were you guys there, too? Did you see what went down with Scout?"

Jake shook his head. "Nah, we left before that."

"Man, it was a brawl. And Krudski got involved, too. Hopefully Finn won't find out."

"Or the Dean," Jake added.

Eric nodded and punched Hamilton playfully on the shoulder. "Yeah, YOU'd be in deep then, wouldn'tcha?"

"Uh...yeah." Hamilton was still paralyzed, and he wasn't exactly sure how the words even came out.

Jake looked around the hallway. "We better go. Hate to be caught now."

Eric laughed. "Yeah. See you guys tomorrow at crew."

Eric walked away up the hall, and Jake turned to Hamilton and smiled.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

Hamilton merely nodded, still paralyzed.

"So...goodnight."

Jake disappeared inside his room and shut the door. Almost immediately, a thousand thoughts flooded Hamilton's mind.

But the thoughts were all the same.

_We were almost caught. We were almost caught. We were almost caught._

...

Hamilton managed to make it home, despite the cacophony in his head. He didn't even attempt to be quiet as he let himself in – after all, what was being caught sneaking home late compared with being caught alone in the moonlight with Jake?

Hamilton was just letting himself into his room when his mom spoke, causing him to jump.

"Hey, Munchie," she whispered, walking up to him in the darkened hallway. "Getting a little midnight snack?"

Hamilton stepped into his room, hiding his street clothes behind the door. "Uh, yeah, mom," he whispered unconvincingly.

"You want me to make you some hot chocolate," his mom whispered, "and you can tell me all about how school is going so far?"

Hamilton considered this for a moment.

_She would understand. Maybe she could help me sort out my feelings for Jake._

_But what if she told dad? I don't want him to know. He'd freak!_

_But what else is there to talk about? All I think about anymore is Jake._

_And how he looked tonight standing there in the moonlight._

"No!" Hamilton said suddenly, startling both himself and his mom. He lowered his voice and quickly added, "Uh, no thanks, I'm good."

His mom smiled and ruffled his hair. "All right. Well, goodnight, honey." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and then continued down the hall, wrapping her robe tighter around her.

Hamilton watched her walk away, torn about whether or not to follow. A sudden stirring from his parents' room settled his question, and he quickly shut his door.

...

"Them Townies sure know how to throw a party."

Hamilton could hear Eric talking as he approached the Common Room.

"Man, how'd you even get an invite?" Matt asked.

"Who needs an invite? I heard some Townies discussing it and tracked it down. It's such a dink town, it was easy to find. Wasn't it, Hamilton?"

Hamilton had reached the Common Room, and he nodded at Eric's question.

"YOU were there, too?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, him and Jake," Eric said. "Though they left before the fireworks. Good thing, too – the Townies weren't looking too kindly on us Rawley boys after the big fight."

"So," Matt asked, "any hot girls?"

Hamilton shrugged warily. "Some."

"There were TONS," Eric corrected. "All in sexy shirts and TIGHT jeans! It was awesome. Though the drinks sucked – way too cheap."

"Yeah," Hamilton said, "Townies really skimp on their punch."

Eric stopped and looked at him funny. "Punch? There wasn't any punch. All I saw was beer."

Hamilton started to panic. _I should've kept my mouth shut!_ "Uh, there was punch...back in the kitchen."

Eric was looking even more suspicious. "I was IN the kitchen, man – there weren't no punch."

"Uh," Hamilton tried to calm himself, "there was punch earlier – maybe it was gone when..."

"Hey guys, wrestling's on!" someone shouted from across the room.

_Saved by the bell!_

Everyone hurried over to the couch to watch. Hamilton was practically shaking, and Eric kept shooting him weird looks.

_He knows. He knows we weren't there. Which means he knows we were TOGETHER. And we LIED about it._

_Just watch the wrestling. Be a guy. Then no one will know_

Matt, who was sitting next to Hamilton on the couch, started discussing the fight, which was a welcome distraction._._

"Hey."

Jake's voice made Hamilton jump, and he nervously looked around before answering, "Hey."

"So who's fighting?"

_Oh good, he's just interested in the TV, not in talking._

"The Mangler and Rock Hard Richard Baxter."

"Oh cool."

_Man, he's cute. No, don't think that! People will see! They'll know!_

"So thanks again for last night."

_Oh my god, Eric is giving us a look. He KNOWS! He was suspicious before, and now he knows for sure._

"I...I'm really glad to have my bike back."

_Act nonchalant. Maybe he'll go away._

"No problem."

"God, was that hilarious or what, bringing the bike through there?"

Hamilton smiled at the memory. _We did have fun. It was that whole Hardy Boys thing. Working together like two friends._

_Before I saw him in the moonlight._

"Well, uh..." Jake started again, "I was just gonna go take it out for a ride, and I thought I could see if you want to come."

_He's asking me out. In front of all these people. Including Eric, who already suspects._

"Go cruise by the Rawley babes."

_Rawley babes? He wants to check out chicks? So he's not asking me out._

"Sound like fun?"

_What am I supposed to say? Doing anything with Jake is fun. But I can't just stand up and leave with him with everyone watching. Eric would probably tell everyone that we weren't at the party, and everyone would know. I can't go with Jake. But what can I say to him? Anything I say will just sound stupid and obvious. _

_Maybe if I just pretend I'm really into the wrestling, Jake will start watching it, too. And then we can watch wrestling together. That'd be safe. Especially with everyone around. We could be together but not really together._

_Wait! He's going! Jake's leaving! Damn! I wanted him to stay and hang out. With me._

_He's standing in the doorway. Don't look at him. Eric will notice. He's probably upset that I wouldn't go with him._

_Hell, I'M upset. Why does everything have to be so complicated?_

_He's gone now. Man, do I feel like a jerk. I could've at least said SOMETHING instead of completely blowing him off like that. And now he's probably mad at me. And who can blame him? I should go explain myself to him._

_But I can't. That'll look too suspicious. I'll just watch the wrestling now and talk to Jake later._

_Yeah, that'll work. I can apologize later._

_When no one else is around._

...

The guilt was almost overwhelming. Hamilton was obsessing over it. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Jake, to explain to him why he'd acted like such a jerk. After all, Jake had just been being nice, inviting him to go for a ride. It wasn't HIS fault that Hamilton felt all eyes on them, like they knew what was on Hamilton's mind.

And what WAS on his mind? He wasn't even sure himself. He just knew that he was gonna wallow in guilt until he did something to make it up to Jake.

The next morning, at practice, Hamilton went to Jake as soon as he arrived.

"Hey."

Jake didn't even look at him. "Hey."

"So..."

_Quick. Say something FRIENDLY! To show him you're sorry for being such a wanker._

"...how was your ride?"

Jake squinted at him from under his baseball cap. "What?"

"Yesterday. Your..."

_Don't say it TOO loud – you don't want someone to hear and get Jake in trouble._

"...ride," he whispered.

Jake nodded and looked away. "It was good."

_Okay, he's not making this any easier on me! Of course, why should he? I was the one who blew him off in front of everyone._

"So..."

_Invite him to do something. THAT'S friendly._

"...you wanna maybe do something after practice?"

Jake pursed his lips and looked at him. "Like what?"

"Uh..."

_Great time for your mind to go blank! Think! Think! What could we do?_

_Besides go someplace quiet where we could be alone._

_No! That's not what I want! Think of something friendly! Something FRIENDS would do._

"...we could..."

_C'mon._

"...go swimming?"

Jake crinkled his nose in disgust. "I get enough water here at practice."

"Okay, then..."

_You can do it._

"...I could show you my photographs."

_How lame! What was I thinking?!_

"You do photography?"

_Wait! He actually sounds interested!_

"Uh, yeah. It's just a hobby. But my mom thinks I'm pretty good."

_Oh, THAT sounds good. My MOM?! He'll think I'm a total dork!_

"That sounds like fun," Jake said as Finn arrived and they started for the boat. "After practice?"

"Yeah."

They faced each other as they prepared to get in the boat.

_All right. This will be perfect. We can go to my house after practice, we'll look at my photos – it'll be fun. Just two guy friends hanging out._

_And in the meantime, I get to row. And watch him..._

_Stop that!_

...

"These are really good!"

Hamilton smiled as Jake picked up another stack of photos and started going through them.

"And you do the processing, too?"

"Yep, in my mom's dark room."

Jake looked up at Hamilton. "You should do this for real. I mean, professionally. You're really talented. Maybe my mom could..."

Jake trailed off.

"What?" Hamilton asked.

Jake shrugged. "I was gonna say that maybe my mom could pass them along to someone – she knows a lot of agents and stuff – but we're not exactly on speaking terms at the moment."

Hamilton nodded. He remembered Jake mentioning that before.

_God, I can't imagine not being on good terms with MY mom._

"What about your dad?"

"Nope," Jake said, starting to flip through the photos again.

_Whoa! And no dad either! That must be hard._

"Hey, what's this?" Jake asked.

Hamilton glanced over and instantly panicked. He flew to Jake's side and grabbed the photos away. "It's just...uh...some photos I took the first day of school."

Jake tried to grab the photos back. "But that's ME. On my bike."

"Don't worry – I'm not gonna show my dad or anything."

Hamilton hurried across the room with the photos and stuck them into a drawer.

But Jake was right behind him. "How did you TAKE that photo? I mean, where were you?"

"I have a telephoto – I sit up in the window sometimes and take photos."

_Change the subject. Make him forget all about those photos._

"So...uh...you wanna go throw a football around or something?"

Jake shrugged. "Okay."

Hamilton grabbed the football off his dresser and they both headed out the door, with Hamilton sighing with relief.

_It's okay - at least he didn't see HOW MANY photos of him I took!_

...

_Blah blah. Krudski is such a suck-up sometimes. _

__Walden_. What a boring book. _

_I can't believe Finn is making us sit out here in the pouring rain discussing it. Just because Thoreau liked to get in touch with nature doesn't mean WE have to! Jake is right about Finn – total wanker._

_Jake..._

_Stop that!_

_Wait! Maybe I SHOULDN'T stop that. After all, Thoreau went to the woods to explore his thoughts. Maybe that's what I should be doing. Exploring them, not locking them away in a closet._

_Hmmmm, perhaps the closet analogy wasn't the best one I could've made._

_Okay, so let me explore my thoughts about Jake. Where should I begin?_

_The kiss. The kiss was where it all began. _

_Well, that's not ENTIRELY true, but we'll start there anyway. _

_Okay. So...the kiss. What do I think about the kiss?_

_It was...nice. The way his lips felt against mine. I've kissed girls before, but this was... different._

_Maybe because I KNEW it was a guy._

_But it happened so quick, I didn't even have time to register that. It was over before I even realized that it'd happened._

_And I kissed him back. I didn't want to admit this before, but I did. I couldn't help it. It was like the hormones kicked in – after all, that's what hormones DO, right? especially in teenage boys? – and I lost all control._

_But it felt so nice..._

_Oh my god, I'm blushing. What if someone notices? What if JAKE notices? It seems he's always sitting across from me. Or me across from him. Or something. What if he sees?_

_Sees what? So what if you blush? You could be blushing about _Walden_, for god's sake! _

_Wait, what are they talking about now? Will this be on the test?_

_Screw the test! This is more important._

_Okay, so now you've admitted you kissed him back. But what does that mean?_

_You can't help how you feel, right? Mom always said that to me as a kid: "You can't help how you feel, you can only help how you act". That's a good motto to live by._

_So how should I act?_

_Well, we're friends, and both of us want to STAY friends. And Jake even said he wasn't gay..._

_But how can he NOT be gay? He kissed me! And what's with that whole "sketchy moment" excuse?_

_Unless it was like Brenda Johnson in the second grade. I still don't know what made me trip her. And I felt really bad afterwards, especially when she was bleeding and she lost her tooth. I remember the principal, and my mom, and especially my dad asking me over and over: "Why did you do it?" And I didn't have an answer. She was walking by, and I just did it. With no thought behind it. I still remember the spanking I got. But thinking back, if I had it to live over again, I really don't know if I could STOP myself from doing it again!_

_So maybe that's what happened to Jake. Just out of the blue he did it, and HE doesn't even know why!_

_And I can accept that. I can move beyond his part in all this._

_But what about MY part? I'm still feeling something for him. Every time I look at him, I feel...something. Attraction?_

_It must just be the hormones. And we can't HELP hormones, can we? So perhaps I just need to ride them out._

_Wait! Finn's talking about having girls at a cabin? God, I take a moment to THINK and I miss the best part!_

_Maybe Jake was paying attention. I'll ask him about it later!_

_When we're alone..._

_Whoa there, Hormone Boy!_

...

END OF PART 1


	2. Part 2

All About Hamilton Pt 2

a Young Americans story

by "phoebenpiper", aka Cordelia Willis

Disclaimer: Characters are property of the WB, etc. I don't own them.

...

After practice, Hamilton caught up with Jake. "Hey."

"Hey," Jake said. "So, explain to me why Finn feels compelled to have practice in the pouring rain."

Hamilton laughed. "'Cuz he's FINN."

Jake nodded and smiled. "THAT explains it."

"So," Hamilton began, "I was kinda...zoning during that whole Emerson talk-what did Finn say about inviting girls to cabins or something?"

Jake laughed. "It figures THAT would peak your interest. It wasn't important, though. That new kid was just being an asshole."

"Ryder? Yeah, that's kinda his trademark."

"You know him?"

"Yeah. He was here last year. Made my life a living hell-always teasing me about being little, though I grew like three inches after he left."

Jake shrugged. "So he can't pick on you for that anymore."

"Doesn't matter-I'm sure he'll find SOMETHING to pick on me for."

As if on cue, Ryder suddenly ran up behind Jake and Hamilton and put his arms around their shoulders. "Hey, Munchie, long time no see. Did you miss me?"

Jake quickly squirmed out of Ryder's grasp as Hamilton answered, "Why don't you go away so I can miss you again?"

"You're a BIG boy now-going to daddy's school. Mummy must be so proud."

_God, I just hope he goes away before he starts picking on Jake._

Ryder turned to Jake. "And look, you've even found a little friend."

_Oh man, don't pick on Jake! Quick. I've got to say something before Ryder starts picking on him. Something to prove to Ryder that Jake's cool._

"Jake rides a motorcycle," Hamilton burst out. Jake shot Hamilton a panicked look, and Hamilton instantly regretted saying it.

"Oh how sweet," Ryder said to Jake in a condescending voice. "Rebel without a clue." Ryder then looked back and forth between Jake and Hamilton, saying, "You two girls are perfect for each other." Ryder slapped them each on the back simultaneously. "Later, girls," he said as he walked away, chuckling.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Jake said, "Some Swiss vault!"

_Swiss vault? I thought he was mad about the motorcycle._ "Huh?"

"What on earth made you tell him that?"

"Well...I..." Hamilton stammered. "I wanted him to think you were cool."

"Yeah, so cool that I break school rules. That's just what I wanted the school bully to know about me."

Jake walked away angrily, leaving Hamilton alone to wallow in his guilt.

…

For the rest of the day, all Hamilton could think about was Jake. But not in the way he'd been thinking about Jake before. This was all about guilt. Jake was right-the last thing Ryder should've known about was Jake's bike. Hamilton had finally even deciphered the Swiss vault comment. No wonder Jake was pissed at him.

But he was gonna make it up to him.

That evening after supper Hamilton went to Jake's room and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Jake called out from inside.

"Me," Hamilton said. _Wait, maybe he won't know who "me" is._ "Hamilton."

"Just a second," Jake said, and Hamilton could hear him rustling around inside.

_I wonder if he's trying to clean up. He shouldn't bother-I don't care._

_Man, what's taking him so long?_

Finally Jake opened the door. "Yeah?" he asked.

_Ooh, he's still pissed. But this should cheer him up._

"Hey. I...uh...I wanted to apologize...about earlier."

"'S okay," Jake said. "C'mon in."

As Hamilton walked into Jake's bedroom, Jake grabbed a magazine off his bed and quickly shoved it under his pillow.

_What was that? Maybe it was a Playboy. Or Victoria's Secret. No wonder he looks embarrassed._

"So...am I interrupting anything?"

Jake shrugged. "I was gonna call my mom, but I can do that tomorrow."

Hamilton nodded. _Okay. You gotta do this._

"Like I said," Hamilton began, "I'm really sorry I opened my big mouth...to Leslie."

Jake looked confused. "Who?"

Hamilton raised his eyebrows knowingly. "Leslie Ryder Forrest."

Jake started to smile.

_Yes, it's working._

Hamilton dug a piece of paper out of his pocket. "...Who attended Mudchute Primary School in East London before transferring to a boys' school in Wapping.…"

Jake grabbed the sheet of paper from Hamilton's hand and hurried over to the computer. "Where'd you get this info?"

Hamilton smiled smugly. "I've got connections."

"Then let's see what else we can find."

Jake's fingers flew across the keyboard as Hamilton pulled up a chair and sat next to him, trying to ignore how good Jake smelled.

And how nice it felt to be next to him.

…

_Okay, I gotta clear my head. Being that close to Jake last night made it hard to concentrate, even with all the stuff we were finding on Ryder. My hormones must be on overdrive right now._

_This fresh air should help. Yeah, this is just what I need. Tossing the football around will completely get my mind off Jake._

"Oh. Hold on one second," Mrs. Fleming said as she approached Hamilton. "Here's Munchie."

_I recognize that tone in mom's voice-it's tour time. I swear I've been giving tours ever since I was old enough to point and lisp "Guhls dohm"._

Mrs. Fleming walked up to her son as he tossed the football. "Hi." As he turned to her, she smiled and repeated, "Hi."

_Mom's smiling-it MUST be tour time. Let's see-it's a girl this time. She's kinda cute. Maybe that'll be good-get my mind off of Jake._

_But wait a minute-mom just called me "Munchie" in front of her-how embarrassing!_

Hamilton leaned towards his mother and said softly, "Mom?

"Yeah?"

"Drop the Munchie."

Mrs. Fleming nodded, "Okay."

_Yeah, that was sincere!_

Mrs. Fleming continued with the introductions, "Lena, Hamilton; Hamilton, Lena."

Hamilton smiled and shook hands with the girl as she mumbled, "Hello."

_She seems bored stiff. Maybe mom started going off about her art classes-she's always doing that._

"Hamilton's my son…"

_Yeah, I think she got that when I called you "Mom"._

"...and Lena here is from L.A. and she's touring our school."

_Gosh, I couldn't have figured THAT one out by myself._

"So can you do me a favor and take her back to the girls' campus so she doesn't get lost."

_Mom knows I'm a sucker-that's why she always asks me._

Hamilton nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay?"

_You know I'm gonna do it, mom. Stop making such a big deal._

"Sure."

Mrs. Fleming nodded as she started to walk away. "All right. Have fun."

_Yeah, have fun talking to someone I know nothing about. _

_The girl's looking at me-I should say something._

"Well…"

"So…"

_Okay, she's no help at all. Aren't girls supposed to be more talkative or something? Maybe if I ask her something about herself-girls LOVE to talk about themselves! What did mom say about her? Oh, yeah—L.A._

"So what's it like in L.A.?"

"Nothing's indigenous—even the palm trees are brought in."

_Was that supposed to be profound? No, wait, now she's laughing._

"I always wanted to say that. It's from 'The Way We Were'.""

_Oh good, another topic!_

"You like movies?"

"Some. Mostly old ones."

_That's it? No soliloquies about her favorite movies? I'm sure Jake could talk for hours about HIS favorite movie. I wonder what it is?_

_Oh, but I guess I should be concentrating on THIS thrilling conversation._

"They just restored an old drive-in near here."

"Oh yeah?"

"It opens tomorrow night."

"Mmm."

_Yeah, she sounds thrilled._

Suddenly Jake jumped out from the bushes, saying, "Hey."

_Thank god Jake's here. At least HE knows how to hold a decent conversation._

"Hey."

Jake started to ask, "What's up," as Lena burst in with, "Hi."

Jake turned to Lena, saying, "Hi."

"Hi," Lena said again eagerly.

_I should probably introduce her. _"Jake this is-"

"-Lena," the girl finished for him, thrusting her hand out for Jake.

_What's her deal? She won't say two words to me, and suddenly she's giving out personal info to Jake?_

Jake smiled and shook the girl's hand, saying, "Hi, Lena."

_God, HE'S Mr. Suave. What's with the handshaking? We're FIFTEEN, for god's sakes; we've only gotta shake hands when the parentals are watching._

"From L. A. She's checking out Rawley for the fall semester. I was gonna show her the girls' campus."

_Maybe Jake will want to come with us and end this agony._

Jake smiled and teased, "Oh wow, how chivalrous."

_Yeah, sure, make fun of ME after you do that whole handshaking thing._

"We're...uh...going to the drive-in tomorrow night to see a movie," Lena said.

_We are? I didn't even think she was listening to me._

Lena continued, "You wanna come?"

_Ooh, yeah, then I'd have someone to talk to at the movies. _

_But Jake's kinda looking at me for approval before he answers. That's weird. Why wouldn't I want him to come? _

_Unless he thought he was horning in on my date._

Jake shrugged and answered, "Yeah. Sure."

_Wait, it kinda WAS a date. And she wasn't even gonna say yes before Jake arrived. Now I feel rejected!_

"Great," Hamilton said unenthusiastically.

"You know, you look EXACTLY like my ex-boyfriend."

_Oh, THAT explains everything. No wonder she wants to talk to Jake._

"I hope that's a compliment."

Lena nodded. "It is."

_Now she's complimenting him? She ignores me and then she compliments him._

_Why him? Why doesn't she think I'M cute?_

"You know," Hamilton said, moving over next to Jake, "people tell me and Jake that we look alike."

"For real?" Lena asked, and Jake nodded.

_Jake's going along with it. I knew he was a good friend._

"Hmm," Lena said, staring at the two boys. "I don't see it."

_Well, it was worth a try. But now I guess I should get us back to this stupid tour._

"The girls' school is this way," Hamilton said, starting to lead Lena away.

But Lena returned to Jake's side to ask, "So we're gonna see you tomorrow night?"

Jake smiled and nodded. "Yes, you will."

Lena smiled back at him. "Great."

_Come on. I want to get this tour over with._

Lena caught up with Hamilton, saying, "He looks exactly like my ex-boyfriend."

_Someone kill me now._

…

"Guess what?" Hamilton said as he walked up to Jake on the dock. "Darrin's a coxswain, too."

Jake looked confused. "Who's Darrin?"

"Lena's ex-boyfriend. He's also smart and a great swimmer and has a WONDERFUL sense of humor."

Jake laughed. "Talked your ear off, huh?"

Hamilton rolled his eyes. "Longest tour of my life."

"Sorry, man."

_God, look at Jake's smile. No wonder Lena was all over him._

"So what's the plan?" Jake asked.

_What? What's he talking about?_ "Plan?"

"For the drive-in? We can't exactly take my bike."

_Oh yeah. I hadn't even THOUGHT about the whole car issue._

"I don't know. I doubt my dad'll let me take the car."

_God, I can't wait till I turn sixteen. Being fifteen sucks-I know how to drive, but I hafta have an "adult" with me. Like I'd WANT to go anywhere with the parentals._

"I guess we could walk," Jake suggested.

Hamilton nodded. "That would work." _Jake's smart-it's good to have smart friends around._

"Though...I'm not sure Lena would enjoy sitting on the ground."

_Man, Jake thinks of EVERYTHING._

"We've got lawn chairs," Hamilton suggested. _I'm sure dad'll let me have those._

Jake smiled. "Perfect."

_Yeah, he sure is. I mean, just LOOK at his smile._

"You're okay with this, right?" Jake asked.

_Okay with his smile? No, he doesn't know what I was thinking. _

_But then what's he talking about._ "Okay with what?"

"Me joining you and Lena at the drive-in."

_Hell yeah._

"If it weren't for you, she wouldn't even be going."

"Well...I just didn't want you to think I was scamming on your girlfriend."

_Of course not. Why would I think that?_

_Unless HE'S thinking that. Maybe he likes her, and that's why he's feeling so guilty._

_And if he DOES like her, this whole movie thing is really gonna suck._

…

"I'm doing a documentary chronicling the hopes, the fears…"

_God, Ryder is such a jackass. Why'd he have to come back?_

_I wonder what he'll find to pick on me for now. I just hope he doesn't pick on Jake for the motorcycle thing._

_Jake…._

_I can't believe he likes Lena. I mean, maybe he doesn't but it sure seems that way. I am NOT looking forward to tonight._

_Oh, Ryder's picking on Harry now. Why can't Ryder pick on someone his OWN size for once? If people knew his real name was Leslie, he wouldn't be able to get away with so much._

_I'm glad that Jake and I found out all that stuff about Ryder-it'll be good ammunition against him._

_Jake smelled so good that night. I loved being so close to him._

_But he probably enjoys being close to Lena._

_Now Ryder's moved on to Krudski. Krudski seems nice. Too much of a brown-noser but still cool. He can't help it if he's poor. Ryder, on the other hand, is so rich he could buy his own fleet of cameras-so why's he using the school's?_

Hamilton stood up, saying, "It's not even your camera, Ryder. School property."

"Duh, Hamilton."

_Damn! I should've kept my mouth shut._

"Tell us, Ham, have you gotten laid yet?"

_Oh man, why'd he have to go THERE in front of everyone? Now they'll all know._

_Know what? That I've been thinking about Jake instead of girls lately? Big deal. It's just hormones._

_Right?!_

Ryder continued, "I mean, I know it's been hard for you all these years, being the runt around all these nubile young women."

Krudski stood up. "Why don't you just lay off him, Ryder?"

_Oh good, now Krudski can protect me like a princess who needs rescuing-that looks good. I'll just leave._

"Don't bother, Will. I'm outta here."

Ryder laughed, and Hamilton walked out of the room, with Ryder's voice calling after him, "I mention sex and he wants to be alone."

_His name's Leslie. His name's Leslie. I need to just keep repeating that to myself._

As Hamilton walked by the art room, his mother called him inside, "Munchie-I mean Hamilton."

Hamilton walked into the room, his hands shoved into his pockets. "Hey, mom."

Mrs. Fleming gave him a look of concern as she sorted her paintbrushes. "What's wrong, honey?"

_I can't tell her about Ryder-she thinks he's so polite. He's totally got her scammed. Like Eddie Hascal. _

_An asshole Eddie Hascal._

"Nothing," Hamilton said, sighing.

Mrs. Fleming stopped her sorting and walked over to her son, giving him a big hug. "Bad day?"

Hamilton shrugged.

"Well, your dad and I were thinking about going to the movies tonight-the old drive-in is reopening and.…"

"No!" _They can't go! That would be a disaster!_ "My friends and I are going. You can't go."

"I think there's room for ALL of us," Mrs. Fleming said, amused.

"But I don't want you there!"

"Okay, honey, we won't go tonight," Mrs. Fleming said. "So who are you going with?"

_I don't really want her to know, but I can't think of how to get out of telling her. _"Uh, Jake...and that girl that's visiting campus."

"Oh, Lena?" Mrs. Fleming asked, smiling. "She seems like a really nice girl."

"Yeah, whatever," Hamilton said. _She'd be a lot nicer if she didn't like Jake._

_And if Jake didn't like her._

"Uh, mom, how can you tell...if a guy likes a girl?"

Mrs. Fleming smiled. "Well, dear, sometimes it's hard to tell, especially with boys your age. I mean, a lot of times THEY don't even know who they like."

_I know who *I* like._

"But I don't think you should worry about it," Mrs. Fleming continued. "I'm sure, no matter who likes whom, you'll have a good time tonight."

_I just hope she's right._

…

_I can't believe that Lena wouldn't let me pay for her ticket, but then she let JAKE pay. That's so rude. I mean, I'M the one who invited her, so she's kinda MY date. Not that I WANT her to be my date. She won't even talk to me. She's too busy staring at Jake._

_And Jake's not even paying attention. He's too busy watching the movie. Look at him, with his mouth all hanging open-he's so cute when he's concentrating._

_I don't think he likes her. I mean, he's sitting next to her at a drive-in and he's not even looking at her, let alone kissing her. And if you're gonna kiss a girl, the drive-in's the place to do it._

_Whereas if you're gonna kiss a boy, you'd do it on the roof._

_Stop it. We weren't gonna dwell on the kiss, remember? We were gonna accept the "sketchy moment" excuse and just concentrate on OUR part of it._

_Oh my god, I'm thinking of myself as WE. I definitely need some serious help!_

_I should just concentrate on the movie. _

_Lena's looking at him again. Ha ha, Lena, he's not look-damn! He turned and looked at her! Maybe he IS thinking about kissing her._

_This sucks._

Lena leaned over to Jake, saying, "This movie's so romantic."

_It is? I haven't even been paying attention. If I'd KNOWN it was romantic, I never would've invited Lena._

"It's creepy," Jake said, making a face. "She's a witch."

_Oh good, Jake isn't falling for it. I knew he wouldn't. He doesn't like her._

"No," Lena said. "Two people completely fall for each other under the worst possible circumstances and they go for it."

_Jake's nodding his head. He's agreeing with her about the romantic stuff. I don't want him getting romantic ideas when he's sitting next to Lena! _

_I need to distract him. Quick! What can I say?_

"Oh look," Hamilton said, looking up at the sky. "Full moon." _Very smooth. And kinda romantic!_

"Oh yeah," Jake said, looking up and smiling. "Look at that."

_He's smiling! Yes. It worked._

"Actually," Lena said, "it's a full moon tomorrow night."

_God, how did I know she was gonna be one of those SMART girls, the type that have to make everyone else feel stupid. I HATE those type of people._

"Thanks for the update."

_Jake's definitely not one of those people. I mean, he's smart, but he doesn't have to show off about it._

"Yeah," Jake said uncomfortably. "I'm gonna go and..." _Go?! Where's he going?_ "...get some jujubes." Jake looked at Lena and nodded. "Okay," he said, standing up and walking away.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Lena said, "God, I thought he'd never leave."

_Leave? Why would she want him to leave? She was all over him a moment ago. _"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you've got to tell me EVERYTHING. Do you...do you think he likes me?"

_She thinks that, too? Then it must be true._

"I thought I got those vibes, but am I confusing signals? He's so hard to read."

_That's the understatement of the decade. I NEVER know what he's thinking. And if that whole sketchy moment thing wasn't a confusing signal, then I don't know what is._

"But that's kinda what I like about him."

_She's right-that's part of what makes him so cool. Part of why I can't stop thinking about him._

"Yeah."

"Can you talk to him for me?"

"NO!" _Whoa! Where'd that come from? Quick, recover, before she suspects something._ "I mean, bad idea."

"What-you talking to him or us getting together?"

_Both._ "I don't know. I just..." _...want him for myself-no, don't say that._ "...don't see it." _That's it. Keep going._ "The whole thing."

"Really."

_Okay, now she's pissed. Like I care. Like she was planning on saying anything to me once Jake got back anyway._

_Ooh, now she's moving seats-how mature. _

_Go ahead-sulk. See if I care. It's not like it's gonna ruin the movie for me._

_Like I even know what's going on._

…

_Here comes Jake. He doesn't have any candy with him. Maybe that was just a line, and he really had to take a leak. Yeah, that's probably it._

_Oh my god, he's gonna sit down next to me. I didn't even think about that when Lena moved. Now I'm glad I pissed her off. This movie'll be much more fun with Jake next to me._

_Ooh, I better shift my arm so he doesn't knock it-I don't want to brush against him and give him the wrong idea._

_Wait. How can bumping into him give him the wrong idea? We bump into each other all the time in class and at practice._

_And what exactly's the wrong idea anyway? That I like him? I DO like him. Not that it really matters, since it's clear he likes Lena._

_Isn't it?_

"Um, they were out," Jake said after sitting down.

_Oh, he's sticking with his original story, I see. That's cool. I mean, even though I don't like Lena, I probably wouldn't just announce to her if I had to take a leak. That's kinda embarrassing to talk about to a girl._

_That's what's so great about going to a boys' school. I don't have to hang around girls that much, so I can just be myself._

_And I don't have to share Jake with know-it-all girls!_

…

_I can't believe she made us stay through all the credits. Now we're the only ones left and we look like complete dorks._

Hamilton stood up and started folding his lawn chair. "So, I guess we should be getting home."

Jake also stood, adding tentatively, "Uh, I think we should walk Lena back to the girls' dorm, don't you?"

_Of course! Mr. Suave comes through again, and as always I look like the jerk._

"That's what I meant," Hamilton added quickly. "Get LENA home."

"You know," Lena began, standing up, "if you need to get back to your parents, Hamilton, I'm sure Jake can walk me home."

_Yeah, that's exactly what you'd like, isn't it? Get Jake alone so you can.…_

_Can what, exactly? Kiss him? And would he kiss her back? Would he press his soft lips against hers the way he did mine? And then would he smile that guilty little smile and stammer an excuse to leave? _

_Or would he stay for more?_

"No!" _Oh god, I said that outloud. What were we talking about?_ "I mean, my parents aren't expecting me till later."

"In that case, maybe we could go have ice cream somewhere?" Lena suggested.

Jake looked at Hamilton, wanting to follow his lead.

Hamilton barely shook his head. _No ice cream. That'll just prolong this whole stupid thing!_

"I think we should be getting back to campus," Jake said. "I have...homework I need to finish."

_Wow, Jake is so good at that sort of thing-lying so the other person doesn't feel bad._

_Hmm, I wonder if he ever does that to me._

Lena folded her chair, and Jake quickly took it from her, saying, "Here, let me carry that for you."

_Man, he's suave! I should take lessons from Jake. Of course, maybe if I actually LIKED the girl, I'd know how to be all chivalrous and stuff._

Lena smiled warmly at Jake. "Thanks."

_Jake's smiling back. Quick, do something._

"Actually, I can carry them all," Hamilton said, grabbing the chairs away from Jake. _Jake's looking at me funny. I better try to explain._ "I...I need to take them home after this anyway."

Jake nodded, and the three of them started walking out of the theatre.

"So," Lena asked Hamilton, "what did you think of the movie?"

_I don't know. I wasn't paying attention to the movie. I had more important things to attend to._

"Uh, it was okay," Hamilton stammered.

"What about you, Jake?"

"It was good, though I thought it was a bit contrived, even for its genre."

_Wow! He was totally paying attention! I'm impressed._

"I know EXACTLY what you mean," Lena said eagerly.

_Great. Lena's impressed, too. I can't seem to win with her._

Lena continued, "Though didn't you love the chemistry between Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak?"

Jake shrugged. "I thought Hitchcock did a better job of capturing that in Vertigo."

_Man, Jake's really smart about all this movie stuff. Of course, his mom's an actress, so that's probably where he learned it from._

_But I've learned a lot about art from my mom. And photography. Maybe I can show off about that._

"I love Hitchcock," Hamilton said, banging the three lawn chairs into his knees as he walked. "The way he frames his shots is so cool. I love how in Vertigo everything looks all weird and expanded whenever Jimmy Stewart goes to high places 'cuz that's totally how I feel about heights."

"Actually," Lena corrected, "acrophobia is the fear of heights; vertigo is just the dizzy sensation."

_Great. Thanks, oh smart one, for making me look like an idiot yet again._

Jake quickly said, "But I totally agree with Hamilton about the directing. The way the camera's focus moves and shifts is just like that fear sensation. Of course, no fear can compare to the shower scene in Psycho."

_Thanks for the save!_ Hamilton looked at Jake and smiled. Jake nodded and smiled back as Lena started into a long speech about the chemistry between Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins.

_..._

_Okay, this is driving me crazy. I couldn't sleep all night. I'm obsessing. Does Jake like Lena or not? I mean, he was so nice to her last night when we walked her home. But then, after we dropped her off, he was totally joking around with me, like the whole awkward evening hadn't happened._

_So does he like her or not? I can't just ask him, 'cuz then he'll want to know why I'm curious. I've gotta think of a way to ask him without ASKING him._

_I know-what if I tell him that he can have her. I mean, not that there's any doubt which one of us SHE likes. But maybe if I concede, then I'll be able to tell if Jake likes her._

_Yeah, that's perfect. I gotta go do it._

_And I gotta do it now before I chicken out._

_Where would Jake be-he doesn't have class now. I'll check his room._

_Nope. Not here. And I didn't see him in the Common Room downstairs. Let me check out the window and see if I can see him._

_Oh, there he is, sitting out in the sun. It looks like he's reading or something. Probably homework. And he's by himself, which is a good sign. I'll go talk to him now._

Hamilton ran down the stairs, but once outside he had to get his bearings again, momentarily having lost site of Jake. Finally Hamilton spotted his friend turning the corner around some hedges, and Hamilton ran to catch up.

"Hey," he said.

Jake looked up from his notes, saying, "Hey."

_Wait, what was the plan again? Oh yeah._ "Okay. You win."

Jake looked confused. "I win what?"

_Duh!_ "Lena?"

"Oh yeah, I won Lena?!"

_Damn. He sounds way too happy._

"What, does she come with a trip to Hawaii?"

_Oh, maybe that was sarcasm. But how can I tell what he really thinks if he's being sarcastic?_

"You know what I mean. She likes YOU." _That makes you sound really jealous. Quick, recover-act nonchalant._ "Not that I really care."

"No," Jake shook his head, "it's just a...chemistry thing."

_Chemistry was Lena's word. If he's using HER word, maybe that means he likes her. _

"It's not something you can control," Jake continued, "it's just...some people click."

_He's looking at me. _"Yeah?" _Does that look mean that he clicked with Lena? Or that he clicks with me? 'Cuz I certainly click with him._

_But if he likes Lena, then I don't want him to think I click with him. But he'll definitely think that if I keep staring at him. Quick, look away, before he figures it out._

"Look," Jake said, "I'm sure you've clicked with plenty of babes."

_Again with the "babes". Jake uses that phrase a lot. And it sounds so weird when he says it._

_Maybe because I keep thinking about the fact that he kissed me, so why would he even care about babes? Or Lena?_

"Do you like her?" _Aah! Why'd I have to ask that? The whole point of the "you win" thing was so that I wouldn't have to ask him directly and put him on the spot._

"Oh, I don't know," Jake said. "I mean, she's HOT, right?"

_But he kissed ME! He can't think Lena's hot when he didn't even TRY to kiss her. And he certainly had opportunities._

"Wait a minute. YOU think she's hot?"

"Don't you?"

_Oh my god, he's asking ME now. Why did I have to even start this conversation?_

_And what should I say? I mean, I don't care about Lena, I just care that Jake cares._

_But I can't let Jake know that!_

_I gotta get out of here._

"Look, whatever happens?" Hamilton said, starting to walk away. "I'm...I'm cool with it."

_That wasn't very convincing._

"Really?"

_Even Jake didn't think so. I've got to try harder._

_Just stick with the facts-it's my feelings that are causing all the problems._

"You're the guy. She's likes you...Go for it."

_Now I gotta get out of here-before he realizes I don't mean it._

...

"Hey, mom," Hamilton said, walking into the house.

His mom was sitting in the front room, obviously upset about something. She looked up when he spoke, saying, "What? Oh, hello, Hamilton."

_That's weird. Mom seems kinda upset about something. I wonder what's wrong._

"Are you okay?" Hamilton asked, walking over to her.

"Huh?" Mrs. Fleming asked, her mind obviously not on her son. "Oh, I'm fine."

_She's not fine. Something's wrong. God, I've been so wrapped up in my own problems lately, I haven't even noticed what's been going on with her._

_We should do something together. That'll cheer her up._

_And maybe I can get some good advice from her in the process._

"You want to..." _What could we do?_ "...take the dogs for a walk?"

Mrs. Fleming looked up and smiled warmly at her son. "That's a wonderful idea, Munchie." She stood up, saying, "Why don't you go get the boys and I'll meet you around front?"

Hamilton nodded and headed towards the back door to get the dogs.

_This'll be good. I need to talk to mom. We've hardly seen each other since school started. But she's so easy to talk to, and she's always so good at helping me sort through my problems._

_And I certainly have a lot of problems to sort through!_

As Hamilton opened the door and stepped outside, his two large golden retrievers bounded up to meet him.

"How are my babies?" Hamilton asked, leaning over and petting them as they romped around his legs.

"C'mon," he said, leading them over to the gate where his mom was already waiting, holding it open. The dogs ran over to

Mrs. Fleming, practically knocking her over with their enthusiasm.

"They're sure in a good mood today," she laughed, trying to keep her balance as the dogs bumped against her.

"Yeah," Hamilton said, shutting the gate behind them and starting across the lawn with his mom and the dogs. "Dogs are so easy to read." _Unlike Jake._

"It's one of their best qualities," Mrs. Fleming agreed thoughtfully. "And they're always honest and upfront."

"Yeah." _But I certainly haven't been upfront with Jake about things. I mean, he probably has no clue how much that kiss on the roof affected my life._

_And I was such a jerk about it afterwards. Yet he's continued to be my friend. Probably the best friend I've ever had._

"Zack!" Hamilton yelled as the dogs ran up to one of the students who was sitting on the lawn studying. "Slater! Get back here!" Upon hearing their names, the dogs instantly turned and ran back to Hamilton, frolicking around him.

_Amazing. I yell at them, and yet they come back eagerly. _

_Just like Jake._

"And dogs are so loyal, too," Hamilton said, petting Zack as Slater licked his face.

"Yeah...loyal," Mrs. Fleming said thoughtfully.

"It doesn't matter what you do," Hamilton said, playing with the dogs, "they love you no matter what."

"Yes...And they're very forgiving."

"Yeah," Hamilton said. _Jake totally forgave me for acting like a jerk. And about the Ryder thing._

_I should tell him. I should let him know that he's all that I've been thinking about. He has a right to know. And if it upsets him, at least I know he'll forgive me._

"We can sure learn a lot from dogs," Hamilton said, walking back to his mom as the dogs ran over to start marking the trees.

Mrs. Fleming smiled and put her arm around Hamilton's shoulders. "We certainly can."

...

_That walk with Mom was just what I needed. It's made everything clear._

_I can't keep pretending with Jake. I've just got to be honest with him, like he always is with me._

_And there's no time like the present. I'll just go over to his dorm room and tell him._

_Tell him what exactly? I better plan what I'm going to say so that I actually make sense._

_But nothing makes sense anymore, not since that kiss._

_Then that's what I'll tell him._

As Hamilton walked down the hall towards Jake's room, he noticed a bunch of guys around cheering someone on.

"What's going on?" Hamilton asked, wondering what all the fuss was about.

Matt turned to him, saying, "Jake had that hot Cali chick in his room."

_What?!_

Hamilton looked through the crowd at Jake, who was looking back at him sheepishly.

_So I guess that answers the question about him liking Lena._

_And him being gay._

_But where does that leave me?_

As Hamilton reached his friend, Jake said, "It's not what you think."

_You had a girl alone in your room. I don't need to think anything._

"Yeah...right."

_I can't be a sore sport. Jake won Lena fair and square._

_Or should I say Lena won Jake?_

_Pretend you don't care. Pretend you're just a guy whose friend got lucky._

Hamilton put up his hand for a high five, and Jake begrudgingly hit it.

_I gotta leave. I can't stay and talk to him after this. I need to go think again. Reevaluate._

_Figure out what I'm gonna do now that I know._

_Now that I know I'm in love with my best friend, and he doesn't love me._

_Just smile and walk away._

...

Dinner at the Flemings' that night was far from relaxing. But Hamilton barely noticed, he was so caught up in his own thoughts. As soon as it was over, he excused himself, saying he was going over to the Common Room to watch some TV with the guys.

Really it was just an excuse to get away. To be alone. To think.

Hamilton walked around for awhile before he found a suitable tree and sat down against it, staring up at the moon shining down on him.

_It's a full moon tonight, according to Lena._

_Man, why did Lena ever have to come here? Everything was fine before._

_Okay, maybe not "fine". But at least things made a little more sense._

_But thanks to Lena, now I know-Jake likes girls. The kiss on the roof must've been just what he'd said-a sketchy moment. It probably meant nothing to him._

_But it meant everything to me._

_So what should I do now? This changes everything._

_No it doesn't. Or at least it doesn't have to._

_We're friends. And now I know that's all we'll ever be._

_But that's okay. I mean, I've always wanted a friend that I could pal around with and share wonderful adventures with. And Jake even owns a MOTORCYCLE-we can have AWESOME adventures on that._

_And if, during those adventures, Jake happens to smell good, or brush against me, or smile his mischievous smile, then that'll just be an extra bonus._

_..._

END OF PART TWO


	3. Part 3

All About Hamilton Pt 3

a Young Americans story

by "phoebenpiper", aka Cordelia Willis

Disclaimer: Characters are property of the WB, etc. I don't own them.

...

_This "just being friends" thing is working great. I mean, it's cool 'cuz Jake and I have almost all our classes together so we get to hang out a lot._

_And THIS is the best. I mean, I get to stare at him during all of practice. It's so perfect that I get to sit right in front of him-it's like fate or something._

_I wonder if he knows I'm thinking about him._

_I don't think he's thinking about me, though. Look at how hard he's concentrating. He gets that intense look on his face when we're rowing. _

_It's so cute._

_Oh my god, he's looking right at me! Did he hear what I was just thinking?_

_Don't be paranoid. He can't hear your thoughts._

_But he's still looking at me. And he looks concerned. I wonder what..._.

Hamilton's oar suddenly crashed into Scout's.

_Damn! That's what he was looking at-me screwing up. Way to go!_

"Hold up." Finn's voice through the bullhorn came to them across the water. All the boys stopped rowing as they waited for Finn to ride up in the motorboat, their boat still gliding across the water.

"Mr. Fleming," Finn began as he approached.

_Oh god, just let me die now._

"In case you haven't noticed, you're at crew practice," Finn continued, and the boys all chuckled at Hamilton's expense. "Perhaps you'd like to join us?"

"If you didn't have us practicing twice a day and at the crack of dawn," Ryder said, "perhaps Miss Fleming could stay awake."

_Man, I hate him!_

Jake looked at Hamilton and silently mouthed the word, "Leslie," which made Hamilton start to laugh.

"If you're gonna be a kick-ass crew team," Finn said, "you've got to make some sacrifices."

"5am sure seems like a HUGE sacrifice," Will pointed out.

"Yeah," Scout agreed, "especially when all we can THINK about is the Cotillion."

_Oh man, I completely forgot about the Cotillion. Of course, I should've remembered, with all the banners up everywhere. _

_I've waited my whole life to go to the Rawley Summer Cotillion. I mean, last year I practically begged dad to let me go, but he said it was for students and their dates only._

_But what kind of date can I have? I mean, I finally get to go, but the only person who I'd like to go with is Jake._

_Why is Jake looking at me all concerned again? It's not like I'm screwing up the rowing-we're just floating now anyways._

Jake silently mouthed to Hamilton, "What's the Cotillion?"

_Oh, THAT'S why he's looking at me. Apparently he hasn't paid attention to the banners either._

Hamilton mouthed back, "Fancy dance tomorrow."

Jake nodded.

"How are we supposed to get dates anyway?" Eric asked outloud from the other end of the boat. "I mean, we're a BOYS school."

"Well, I'm actually gonna help you out in that department," Finn said, a cheesy grin on his face.

"What do you mean?" Will asked.

"Starting this afternoon, some of the girls from across the lake will be joining us for English class."

A murmur spread across the boys.

_Great. That'll give me a chance to get my mind off of Jake._

"Why?" Scout asked.

"Well, Mrs. Westgate has to have some surgery, and she won't be able to teach the girls' class for a few weeks."

"I heard she's getting a new pair," Ryder said, making boob gestures with his hands.

_What a jerk!_

"Not quite," Finn said, shaking his head.

"I hope it's nothing serious," Jake added.

_Man, Jake's so nice, always thinking about other people. I hadn't even WONDERED about if it was serious or not._

"No, she'll be fine, but the girls will be left without a teacher. So we decided it would be easiest for me to fill in and teach the two classes together."

Will seemed concerned. "But they won't have read the assignment for today."

Finn nodded. "Which is why we'll be starting something brand new today. Some poetry by Robert Browning."

"Poetry is for sissies," Ryder said, and several of the boys agreed.

_*I* like poetry. _

_Though I guess that proves Ryder's point!_

Ignoring Ryder's comment, Will asked, "Which book of poems?"

Finn smiled cheesily for a moment before answering, "Men and Women."

...

Jake was waiting for Hamilton by the stairs after lunch.

"So?" Jake asked as Hamilton approached. "Did you get the inside scoop from your dad?"

Hamilton shrugged. "Mrs. Westgate is having surgery on an ingrown toenail."

Jake laughed. "You're kidding."

_Why would I make up something like that?_

"No."

The two of them started walking to class.

"So," Hamilton continued, "...uh...this is gonna be kinda weird, huh?"

Jake looked confused. "What's weird?"

"Having class with the girls. I mean, Finn always has us discuss PERSONAL stuff in class, and it'll be...you know... weird...With girls."

Jake laughed. "Never thought of it that way." She looked at Hamilton. "But you've had classes with girls BEFORE, haven't you?"

"Yeah."

Jake teased, "Like, just this past spring?"

"Yeah. What's your point?"

Jake was still smiling. "My point IS, what's the big deal? Girls are just people, too."

_Yeah, but I haven't thought about girls very much since I met Jake. _

_Except for Lena._

"Hi, guys." Lena was standing in the middle of the lawn where Finn had told them to meet for class.

_LENA?!_

"Lena?!" Jake said, obviously as surprised as Hamilton. "Didn't you...I thought you went back to L.A."

_It's Lena! And she's HERE!_

"I did," Lena said. "But then my mom had an emergency and it was easier for her to send me back here for the rest of the summer."

_Why here? Why now? Just when things were starting to get normal again!_

"Is she okay?" Jake asked.

_Is WHO okay?_

"Oh yeah. Mom's an entertainment lawyer,"

_Oh, her mom._

Hamilton plopped down on the grass, realizing too late that it was still slightly damp from the sprinklers.

_Oh well, what does a little water matter when Lena is here to ruin my life._

"...and some scandal suddenly came up and she has to fly back and forth between L.A. and New York a bunch of times-big mess!"

Lena and Jake sat down on the grass at the same time.

"Ooh, it's wet," Jake said absent-mindedly.

"Yeah," Lena said. "So anyway...here I am. I'm enrolled for the rest of the summer."

Jake shifted around uncomfortably in the damp grass before saying, "That's...uh...great."

_No it's not! It's not great at all! I mean, it's one thing knowing that Jake doesn't like me that way. But it's another thing to see him hanging out with Lena. This SUCKS!_

"Hey Hamilton," Lena said, turning and smiling at Hamilton.

_And what really sucks is that I have to be nice to her._

"Hey," Hamilton said, lying back and leaning on his elbow, trying to put distance between them.

"So," Lena said, turning back to Jake, "this is pretty random, having class together, huh?"

"Yeah," Jake said. "The girls' teacher has to have surgery or something."

Lena nodded. "That's what I heard. So what's YOUR teacher like?"

Hamilton noticed Finn walking up and said, "You'll find out soon enough."

"Okay, everyone," Finn said as he approached. "Let's go ahead and get started."

Finn started flipping through the book he'd brought as the rest of the students started to sit down.

"Hey, Finn," Scout said, "this grass is wet."

"Well, the lawns have to be watered sometime."

"Yeah, but why right before class?" Hamilton mumbled.

_This class is so gonna suck. I can't stand to see Jake and Lena together. Wet grass is the LEAST of my worries._

Finn ignored Hamilton as he announced, "Girls, it's nice to have you here. I do apologize for the grass. I decided we'd start today with some poetry. Robert Browning's Men and Women."

Everyone chuckled.

_Man, I so don't want to be here._

Finn continued, "The poem we're gonna begin with is called 'Love Among the Ruins'."

_That's appropriate._

"Hamilton," Finn said, handing him the opened book. "Why don't you read aloud for us?"

_Me? Why does he always ask ME to read? I mean, I LIKE to read aloud, but I know I'm not good at it. I can hear everyone sigh whenever he asks me._

"Okay," Hamilton said, taking the book and starting to read:

"Where the quiet-coloured end of evening smiles,

Miles and miles

On the solitary pastures where our sheep

Half-asleep

Tinkle homeward thro' the twilight, stray or stop

As they crop-

Was the site once of a city great and gay..."

The class tittered with laughter..

"It's just a word, people," Finn said, sounding annoyed. "In this context, gay means happy."

_Rather ironic, if you ask me._

Finn turned to Hamilton and asked, "Hamilton?"

_Oh my god, Finn knows about me being gay! And I can't believe he's asking me about it in front of everybody._

Finn continued to look at Hamilton. "Go ahead, Hamilton. Keep reading."

_Oh! Reading!_

Hamilton sighed with relief before starting to read again:

"...(So they say)

Of our country's very capital, its prince

Ages since

Held his court in, gathered councils, wielding far

Peace or war."

Hamilton stopped as he came to the end of the stanza.

Finn glanced down at him. "Yes, Mr. Fleming?"

"You want me to keep going?" Hamilton asked.

"The poem's not finished yet."

_The poem's NEVER gonna be finished. How can this poet guy come up with so many words that rhyme?_

"Okay," Hamilton said, starting to read again:

"That a girl with eager eyes and yellow hair

Waits me there"

_How about a BOY with eager eyes and BROWN hair?_

_Don't think-just keep reading!_

"In the turret whence the charioteers caught soul

For the goal,

When the king looked, where she looks now, breathless, dumb

Till I come."

The class again tittered with laughter.

This time Finn merely rolled his eyes and silently motioned for Hamilton to continue.

"When I do come..."

Everyone laughed louder this time, and Hamilton stopped.

_Man, this sucks! Why did Finn have me read THIS poem?_

Lena sighed frustratedly and snapped, "Grow UP, people!"

Finn nodded at Hamilton, who sighed and continued reading.

"...she will speak not, she will stand,

Either hand

On my shoulder, give her eyes the first embrace

Of my face,

Ere we rush, ere we extinguish sight and speech

Each on each."

Hamilton stopped reading for a moment, trying to regain his composure. For, as he'd read the lines, he'd thought of Jake-standing before him, staring into his eyes, kissing him...

"C'mon, Mr. Fleming," Finn said. "You're almost done."

_I'll say!_

"In one year they sent a million fighters forth

South and North

And they built their gods a brazen pillar high

As the sky,

Yet reserved a thousand chariots in full force-

Gold, of course.

Oh heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!

Earth's returns

For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!

Shut them in,

With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!

Love is best."

"The End," Hamilton said, relieved that it was finally over and the focus could move on to someone else.

"What does this poem mean to any one of you?" Finn asked, looking around the class. "Scout."

Scout looked up blankly, obviously more into Paige than class. "Huh?"

"So, you LIKE these co-ed classes," Finn said as Scout turned back to Paige. "Uh-huh."

Jake laughed.

"Jake," Finn said, turning to Jake, who instantly stopped laughing.

_Oops! You're gonna get it now, Jake!_

"Had a crush lately?"

_Ah, man, why'd he have to ask him THAT? It's bad enough KNOWING Jake likes Lena-why do we have to TALK about it?!_

Jake looked around non-chalantly before answering, "Uh...maybe."

_Man, he seems almost embarrassed to say it in front of me. Like he knows I'm jealous or something._

"What poem-no, what SONG-makes you feel?"

"'I Try'. Macy Gray."

_He didn't even have to THINK before he answered. And he must've been thinking about Lena A LOT lately 'cuz that song is ALWAYS on the radio!_

"Let's hear it," Finn said. "You don't have to sing it; just recite it."

"Okay. 'I keep my cool but I'm fiending.'"

_That's for sure. I KNEW he was fiending that entire night at the drive-in._

"'Try to say goodbye and I choke. Try to walk away and I stumble.'"

_He's looking right at me! He knows I know! He knows he can't hide it from me. _

"'Though...I try to hide it...it's clear."

_Crystal clear!_

Lena finished, "My world crumbles when you are not here."

_Man, she doesn't even know the lyrics right-it's 'when you are not NEAR', not HERE._

_But the way she finished it for him-they probably listened to that song TOGETHER. I think I'll kill myself if I ever hear that song again._

Lena suddenly realized that everyone was staring at her. "What?!"

Jake chuckled embarrassedly and looked down.

_Now Jake's embarrassed because everyone knows who his crush is._

"It's a good song," Lena said defensively, blushing bright red.

"Those words comfort us because we personalize them," Finn said, bringing things back to the lesson. "Now...let's personalize Browning. Mr. Krudski."

"Um...maybe what Browning is saying is that...even the strongest armies and empires can be wiped out...no one can stop people from falling in love."

_Wow, is THAT what the poem meant? I didn't get that at ALL._

"Spoken like a hopeless romantic."

_Spoken like a stupid high school kid. What does WILL know about romance? _

_Romance sucks!_

...

"Catch ya later," Hamilton called out to Matt as he spun around, whacking Jake with his oar.

"OW!"

"Oh, dude! Sorry. You alright?"

"Yeah. I'm...tougher than I look. It's fine."

N

Hamilton and Jake continued to clean up their crew equipment.

"So, are you renting, or do you own?"

_What kind of stupid question is that? I'm FIFTEEN, for god's sake. And besides, Jake KNOWS I live with my parents-he's been over to my house a zillion times._

"Neither. I'm still mooching off the parentals."

Jake laughed. "I meant a tuxedo."

_Oh, a TUX. He must be thinking about the Cotillion._

"Oh. For the Cotillion?"

"Uh-huh."

"I'm gonna do the dinner jacket thing. You know, like Bogie in Casablanca."

Jake nodded. "Not bad."

_Wow, this is the first time we've talked about it. I wonder if he's asked Lena yet._

"You?"

Jake shrugged. "Don't know. If I go at all, it'll probably just be a drop-by...solo...thing."

_I wonder why he's not asking Lena. Maybe he thinks I want to ask her. I mean, I DID ask her to the drive-in. Of course, we both know how THAT turned out._

_Besides, if I can't go with Jake, I don't really want to go with anyone._

"Yeah, me, too...solo."

"Could be fun."

Hamilton laughed, thinking about how much he'd wanted to go last year. To see all the girls.

"Lots of chicks in taffeta."

Jake laughed along with Hamilton.

_So I guess we're cool now. Back to being just friends. The Lena thing isn't even getting in the way. Maybe now my life can get back to normal._

"Uh," Jake said. "Why don't we just...go solo together?"

_Oh my god, I was just thinking the same thing but I didn't want to say anything-didn't want to ruin it. But if HE'S suggesting it, then he must be cool with it._

"Yeah. Okay."

"Great," Jake said. "So it's a date."

_Date?! He said "date"!_

Jake shook Hamilton's hand before walking off, mumbling, "See ya," as Hamilton was left staring off after him, his thoughts in turmoil.

_He thinks it's a date?!_

_No, it's just an expression. People say "it's a date" when they've made plans. It doesn't mean it's a DATE._

_But what if Jake DOES mean "it's a date"? He thinks of me as a "date"?_

_Then that must mean he likes me!_

_Oh my god, Jake likes me! Now what am I supposed to do?_

_But wait, I should be more happy about this. I mean, it's what I've been waiting for, isn't it?_

_But daydreaming about Jake is one thing. Actually considering the real prospect of getting together with him is completely different. I mean, that would mean we'd..._

_Ew!_

_Okay, I can't be gay. Because the thought of being...ick... just grosses me out!_

_But why? I mean, I LIKE Jake. I liked it when he kissed me. The feel of his soft lips on mine..._

_...but that leads to something else. Something I'm not ready for!_

_But sex is a HUGE deal. And I'm only fifteen-I'm not ready for ANY of it._

_So what does that mean? What does ANY of it mean?_

_Nothing. It means nothing._

_It means my best friend Jake and I are going stag together to a dance. Nothing more._

_Right?_

...

Hamilton's mind was still racing that evening when his mother found him sitting alone on his bed.

"Hey, Munchie," Mrs. Fleming said, opening the door to her son's room, "didn't you say you were gonna take out the trash for me?"

"Oh yeah," Hamilton said absently, starting to stand up.

"No hurry," she said, smiling warmly at her son. "You can do it later."

Hamilton nodded and sat back down, his mind obviously not on trash.

"So," his mom continued, still standing in the doorway, "are you excited about the Cotillion?"

_Oh my god, she knows. She knows that I'm going with Jake as my "date"._

"Excited?"

"I remember how much you wanted to go last year," Mrs. Fleming teased. "So, do you have a date yet?"

_He's not my date! We're just going as friends! It's just a "date", not a DATE._

"Date? No. No date!"

"Oh. Then you should go with that Jake friend of yours. "

_Oh my god, she knows. She HAS to know. _

"You two would have a great time," Mrs. Fleming continued.

_She knows. Otherwise why would she suggest it?_

"No we wouldn't! He's not my date! We're just friends."

Hamilton's mom put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's okay if you don't have a date, honey. I'm just saying, if neither you nor Jake have dates, you could have a really fun time together just hanging out. Sometimes dances are more fun when you go with a friend anyway-no pressure."

_No pressure! Right! _

_Obviously you haven't been inside MY mind lately!_

...

_I need fresh air. _

_And I need to read my homework. My mind's been so preoccupied with Jake lately, I've fallen completely behind in history._

_I'll just go find a nice tree to sit under and read my book._

_And try not to think about Jake._

"Hey," Lena said, catching up to him.

_Great. Just who I wanted to talk to._

"Hey."

"So...who you going to the dance with?"

_Why does everyone keep asking that? Like, who really cares, anyway? It's just a stupid dance._

"No one."

"You're not taking Jake?"

_I'm not TAKING Jake! It's not a date!_

"No."

_Wait, why would she even THINK that Jake and I would go together? _

_Unless she knows. Unless she saw the way I was looking at Jake at the drive-in._

_I've gotta throw her off. Make her think I don't know what she's talking about._

"Why would I take Jake?"

"I don't know. I mean, I was gonna ask him, but it doesn't seem like he's interested in either one of us."

_What?! He's totally interested in Lena. I mean, he had her alone in his dorm room._

_And he must be interested in me, too, if he asked me to the dance._

_But why didn't he ask Lena?_

_And why would Lena say "either one of us"? That would imply that she thinks that I want him to be interested in me._

_Why would she think that?!_

"What are you talking about?"

"Anyway..." Lena said, changing the subject, "...I don't have a date. If...if you don't either, we could go together."

_Oh my god, here comes Jake. I've gotta warn him. I've gotta let him know what we're talking about before he says something._

_Before he asks her out._

_Oh man, I bet that's why he's coming over here. To ask out Lena. _

_But I gotta beat him to it. I can't stand the thought of Jake going to the dance with Lena-I'd rather go with her MYSELF than see them together again._

"Um...to the Cotillion?" Hamilton said slowly and loudly so that Jake could hear as he approached.

"Yes. You and me at the Cotillion."

_I bet he's upset. I bet he's upset that I asked her out. And in FRONT of him even. I better try to smooth things over._

"Hey, Jake."

"Hi," Jake said, barely smiling.

_Oh man, he's totally upset. He can barely look at me. I never should've done that. I should've just told Lena the truth, that Jake and I were going together, and none of this would've happened._

Jake turned to Lena and said, "Hey."

"How's it going?" Lena asked.

Jake nodded and forced a smile. "Great. Just great."

_He's not great. I can totally hear it in his voice. Man, I really screwed things up this time._

"Perfect," Lena said, turning back to Hamilton. "So...I'll call you later."

"O...kay," Hamilton said as Lena walked away, mumbling, "Bye."

"Just found a date, huh?" Jake said.

_Yeah, he's totally upset. I can tell._

_And who can blame him? I mean, his best friend just ditched him to go with some girl he likes._

_I am the scum of the earth._

_No I'm not. She asked ME. She was the desperate one, and I just happened to be the one she asked._

"Yeah, well, she was going alone...and..."

"I get ya," Jake said, digging his hands deeper into his pockets as he absently kicked the ground with his shoe.

_Look at his body language. He's so upset with me right now._

"So," Hamilton said, trying to think of a better topic, "did you decide to ask anyone?"

_Besides me?_

Jake shrugged. "No. I think I'm gonna skip it."

_Skip it! You can't skip it! The dance will SUCK if I'm stuck the entire evening with Lena and you're not even THERE!_

_And I want you there. I want you there with me._

_I'll miss you if you're not there._

"Oh."

"Besides, the only person I had my eye on..."

_Eye on? Who does he have his eye on?_

"... is going with someone else."

_Lena, of course. He likes Lena, and now I'M going with her and he's upset._

"It's okay," Jake mumbled.

_But if he likes her, why didn't HE ask her? Why the whole "going solo together" with me thing?_

_Unless he has his eye on me._

_But it doesn't matter who he has his eye on. All that matters is that he's upset, and it's all my fault._

_I better get out of here before I do something else stupid. I need to go read-clear my head._

"Well, I'm..." Hamilton held up his history book and smiled guiltily, "...history."

Jake nodded, and Hamilton walked off, feeling guilty and confused.

...

Mrs. Fleming knocked softly on Hamilton's bedroom door and peaked her head into his room. Hamilton was standing in the middle of the room, putting on his dinner jacket.

Mrs. Fleming sighed, saying, "My baby boy is growing up so fast."

_Baby boy-that's just what I need to hear right now!_

"Mom," Hamilton said, rolling his eyes.

She laughed as she sat down on the edge of his bed. "So, are you looking forward to tonight?"

_No. I've pissed off my best friend so he won't even be there, and I'm going with some annoying girl who'll probably spend the whole evening talking about Jake._

Hamilton just shrugged as he grabbed his tie off the bed.

His mom smiled warmly at her son. "You'll have fun. I think it's so sweet that you're taking the new girl-what's her name again? Leela?"

"Lena," Hamilton corrected, attempting to tie his bow tie.

_Yeah, it's so SWEET. I'm sure that's what Jake is thinking right now._

"So, is your best friend Jake going?"

_No. And it's all because of me._

Hamilton shook his head, still concentrating on his bow tie.

"Well, I'm sure you'll have a good time anyway."

_I doubt it._

_And I'll never GET there if I can't tie this damn bow tie!_

Hamilton frustratedly yanked on his tie and looked pleadingly at his mother. "Mom!"

Mrs. Fleming laughed and stood up. As she tied her son's tie, she said, "I'm glad you still need me for SOMETHING. You know, your father's hopeless with bow ties, too."

_But he's not hopeless with best friends._

_How am I ever gonna make this up to Jake?_

...

_I wish Jake would come. We need to talk. About Lena. About ME. About..._

"So," Lena said, walking with Hamilton around the dance floor, "you wanna dance?"

_About how stupid this dance is._

"Not really."

"Then how about some punch?"

Hamilton shook his head absently. "I'm not thirsty."

_I'm guilt-ridden._

_If it weren't for stupid me, Jake would be here right now. We'd be making fun of the snooty girls, pigging out on the free food, having a great time._

_But no, I had to go and tell Lena I'd go with her._

_I guess the punishment fits the crime._

_But I wish this punishment would end. I wish I could just disappear from this stupid dance and go find Jake and..._

_Oh my god, there's Jake. He just came in. He seems to be looking for-_

_Oh, now he's talking to Jesse._

_Jake looks really good. I wonder what made him change his mind._

_Who cares, as long as he's here._

"Yeah, he's cute."

_What? Who is she talking about?_

"What?"

"Jake."

_Oh, she saw Jake come in, too._

_Or else she saw me staring at him across the room._

"I've got a crush on him, too."

_Yeah, I know you do._

_Wait-"TOO"? That means she thinks I have a crush on him._

_And that's what it is, isn't it? A crush? A hormonal obsession?_

"Hell, I'm a fifteen-year-old girl, I've got a crush on YOU."

_She has a crush on ME? She sure doesn't act like it._

"Look at you. You're gorgeous."

_A few weeks ago, before I met Jake, I would've been psyched if some girl said that. But now I don't even care._

"You BOTH are."

_Yeah, Jake is gorgeous. Just look at him. He looks so good tonight._

"You're also in love with each other-it's, like, SO obvious."

_Not "in love". It's a crush. Just a crush._

"Wait. We're not..."

_Oh my god, what if someone hears!_

"...and stop staying that! God!"

"I had this freshman girl fantasy that I would somehow end up with one of you but...it's crystal clear that it's not gonna happen."

_This is a total nightmare!_

"I don't know WHAT I was THINKING when I said yes to this."

"Stop thinking."

_Yeah, that's easy for her to say. I haven't STOPPED thinking since I met Jake._

"Sometimes you just have to...throw caution to the wind. Take the leap while you're still young. It's time to follow your heart."

_My heart?_

_But what about Jake's heart?_

_Wait, what did she say? "In love with EACH OTHER"-that means she thinks Jake's in love with me, too._

_How would she know?_

"I...I know, that's so cliche."

_But she knew about me. Maybe she knows about Jake, too._

_Maybe Jake told her when they were alone in his dorm room._

_And maybe that's why he didn't ask her to the dance._

"Go be with Jake."

_Yeah, I want to talk to him. That's why I've been looking for him all night._

_And she's giving her approval, so it's one less thing to feel guilty about._

"I'll be over by the punchbowl. There's some guy that's been giving me the hairy eyeball all night."

_But if what she's saying is true, then Jake likes me._

_And now I'm back to square one with the whole gay thing. I don't think I could..._

_Oh my god, Jake's looking at me. I can't talk to him right now. I've gotta...get away. Think. Something._

_But whatever I do, it's gotta be far from Jake. I gotta be alone to sort this out._

...

_Okay, it's really hard to be alone when you're at a busy dance. Every room I go into, people are talking and laughing and dancing. I can't concentrate. I can't think._

_Maybe that's good. "Stop thinking." That's what Lena said. "Throw caution to the wind."_

_But I can't. I can't face the consequences._

_But I also can't stand being alone with these thoughts. I need someone to talk to._

_I need Jake. He's great to talk to._

_Of course, he's also my problem._

_But he came to the dance. He came for a reason. And I should find out what that reason is._

_And then maybe I can start figuring out my own reasons._

_Oh, there he is. _

_He's a welcome site. And not just because he looks good in his jacket._

_I need to go to him. We need to talk._

_I need to know if he's still mad about Lena._

_I need to know if what Lena said was true._

_I need to know if I'm really in love with him._

"Hi," Hamilton said as they reached each other.

"Hi," Jake said quietly. "I need to talk to you."

_So he wants to talk, too. That's good. _

"Me, too."

_Maybe I'll tell him. Maybe I'll tell him that he's all I've thought about since that kiss._

_But maybe he just wants to "talk" talk. About the dance. About Lena. About the stupid refreshments and lame cherry punch. Maybe he just wants to talk like friends._

_But I don't want to be just friends anymore._

"Yeah," Jake said, shaking his head. "But not here."

_Yes! He wants to be alone! So he really wants to TALK._

_But now I don't want to talk. I want to kiss him. I want to feel his lips against mine. I want to be lost in his embrace._

_Like Browning said:_

_"...he will speak not, he will stand,_

_ Either hand_

_On my shoulder, give his eyes the first embrace_

_ Of my face,_

_Ere we rush, ere we extinguish sight and speech_

_ Each on each."_

_But kissing Jake-that means coming to terms with it. Admitting to myself who I really am. What I really am._

_And I'm not ready for that._

"I'm sorry, I CAN'T do this."

_I gotta get away from him. I can't be near him right now. I gotta think._

_"Stop thinking." Isn't that what Lena said to do? But how can I stop thinking about him? He's all I've thought about for weeks._

_That's it. I've just been obsessing over that stupid kiss. And it wasn't even a REAL kiss._

_Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe these feelings are just hormonal, and I'm NOT really in love with him._

_But what if I am?_

_I'm obviously not gonna figure it out by just thinking it through. I've TRIED that, and it obviously isn't working._

_I know. I need to kiss him again. That's what I need to do._

_And then I'll know for sure._

_I'll know if I'm really gay._

_And if I am? What then?_

_I can't think about that. What did Lena say? "Throw caution to the wind"? Let's do it._

_Wait! Where'd he go?_

_Oh, there he is, heading off towards the bathrooms._

_He's probably upset._

_Probably? Of course he's upset! I treated him badly. I've treated him nothing BUT badly since he first kissed me._

_I've gotta make it up to him. I've gotta catch up with him and kiss him and try to explain._

_And hope it's not too late._

Hamilton opened the bathroom door and saw Jake standing over by the mirrors.

_Thank god I found him. And I can't let him go again._

Hamilton walked determinedly over to Jake, putting his hands on Jake's shoulders.

_I don't want you to move. I want you to stay right here. By my side. Forever._

_But this is a public bathroom. What if someone sees? What if someone's HERE?_

_I gotta check the stalls. I can't do this unless I'm sure we're alone._

"What are you doing?" Jake asked as Hamilton started checking the stalls.

_What AM I doing? I'm about to kiss my best friend. A BOY!_

_But Lena's right. I can't think. I've just got to do it._

"Throwing caution to the wind."

Jake started to say something but Hamilton stopped him with a kiss.

_"Extinguishing sight and speech." And thoughts. Till everything's Jake._

_Jake..._

When the kiss was over, Hamilton looked at Jake, overcome with emotion.

"Oh my god, that was..."

_Incredible._

_And terrible. Because now I know. I know what I truly am. And I'm not sure I can handle it._

"I know. I know. But...this is NOT..."

"It is. We're GAY!"

"No, we're NOT, Hamilton. Okay?"

_How can he say that after that kiss? I mean, that KISS! Wow! If there was ever any doubt in my mind, it completely flew away the moment his lips touched mine._

"I...look...I gotta tell you something, all right? But you have to promise not to be pissed off at me, all right?"

_Oh my god, he's gonna tell me he doesn't like me that way! He's gonna say, "I like you as a friend, but..."_

_And I don't wanna hear that now. I can't! Not after he's made me realize who I really am._

"...I'm a girl."

_What? A girl?!_

"What are you TALKING about?"

"It's TRUE, Hamilton."

_Oh man, I bet he's one of those guys who can't accept that he's gay, so he comes up with some story about really being a GIRL trapped inside a boy's body just so he can deal with it. _

_But that's stupid. He should just DEAL. I mean, I'M dealing. Sort of..._

"Jake, STOP it."

"I'll prove it to you, okay? You don't believe me? I am one-hundred-percent female, all right?"

_I can't listen to this. I mean, why would he think I'd want to hear this elaborate lie he's convinced himself of._

_And why is he undoing his shirt?_

"I am OBSESSED with Sarah MacLachlan..."

_Mirrorball's good._

"...and I have a subscription to Seventeen..."

_I like to read the articles._

"...and my favorite nail polish is Barely Pink..."

_Nail polish?! Why would Jake own nail polish?_

"...and I think I look fat in bikinis."

_ALL girls think they look fat in bikinis._

_But Jake's not a girl. It's some weird delusion he's having._

_Maybe he's having a breakdown._

_Maybe I should join him._

Voices were heard outside the bathroom door, and Jake quickly grabbed Hamilton by the arm and dragged him into a stall.

"Okay. And THESE..." Jake said, undoing her white binder, "...are not fake."

_Those are boobs._

_Jake has boobs._

_How can he have boobs?_

_Unless he's a she._

_Oh my god, that's what he was trying to tell me-he really IS a girl!_

_I can't handle this. I can't continue to stand here and stare at his boobs._

_His BOOBS!_

_I gotta get outta here. I gotta go...figure this out._

Hamilton backed out of the stall and hurried out of the bathroom, crashing into Eric and his friends in the doorway.

"Hey, you okay, Hamilton? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

_I wish I HAD seen a ghost. It'd make more sense than what I DID see._

"Yeah," Hamilton said absently, charging ahead through the crowd towards the door.

_I can't breathe. I gotta get out of here. Out of this stupid Cotillion. Out of this stupid mess._

...

_Jake's a girl. Jake's a girl!_

_How can he be a girl? He's my best friend. He rides a motorcycle, for god's sake._

_But he has boobs. I saw them myself._

_I saw boobs! If I had known two months ago that I would get a chance to see boobs up-close like that, I would've been thrilled._

_But when you've just spent several weeks convinced you're gay, boobs don't really do it for you anymore._

_So I guess I'm not gay._

_But I think I could be._

_I mean, I guess it all depends on who you fall in love with._

_And I fell in love with Jake. Boy, girl, it doesn't matter. Jake's who I like, regardless._

_Who I DID like._

_But he lied to me! He's supposed to be my best friend and he LIED!_

_It's not like I'm some big blabbermouth._

_"Some Swiss vault."_

_Okay, I guess I DID kinda spill the beans to Ryder about Jake's bike. But I haven't told anyone else._

_But this secret is much bigger than some stupid motorcycle._

_"I can keep a secret." "Can you?"_

_THAT'S what he was asking. He wanted to know if he could trust me. REALLY trust me._

_But if he was so worried about keeping his precious little secret, why'd he KISS me? I mean, that wasn't exactly a stealthy maneuver._

_"I just had a sketchy moment there, but it's over."_

_Sketchy moment my ass! When you're undercover as a boy, you can't just go around kissing them. It kinda blows your cover._

_Of course, it didn't blow HIS cover. It just confused the hell out of me._

_And now I'm even more confused. How can Jake be a girl? I just...can't see it._

"_You know what you said before? About me being, you know, gay? I'm not. That I promise you."_

_So Jake was right. He ISN'T gay-he just likes me._

_SHE just likes me!_

_How can I deal with this when I can't even get the PRONOUNS right?_

_And how could Jake keep track of them so well?_

_But he didn't. He let things slip, too._

_"So Hardy Boys." "Yeah, meets Nancy Drew."_

_How could I not have seen it?_

_"There's this complete miscommunication between guys and girls."_

_Miscommunication. _

_Meaning "lies"._

_But he didn't LIE. I mean, he never directly SAID he was a boy. _

_SHE was a boy._

_AAAAHHHH!_

_"He's so hard to read. But that's kinda what I like about him."_

_Yeah, that IS kinda what I liked about Jake. The mystery. The thrill. The chemistry._

_"It's just a...chemistry thing. It's not something you can control, it's just...some people click."_

_We clicked. We clicked instantly. From the moment I saw him drive up on his motorcycle, there was something I couldn't take my eyes off of._

_I must've known. On some unconscious level I must've KNOWN he was a girl._

_Wait. I didn't KNOW. I mean, I can't even THINK of Jake as a "she"._

_I just liked him. And the kiss just convinced me of that all the more._

_The kiss. I've thought about that kiss a zillion times since it happened._

_But now I know what REALLY happened. Jake, a GIRL, got caught up in our conversation-"what he MEANS is, I want to have sex with you"-and she kissed me._

_Which means she likes me._

_Jake likes me!_

_"Jake, had a crush lately?" "Uh...maybe."_

_Lena wasn't his crush-I was! "I Try" was about me! Now I can't wait to hear that song again._

_"Two people completely fall for each other, under the worst possible circumstances, and they go for it."_

_And that's what I did. I went for it._

_I kissed Jake. I kissed a GIRL!_

_I kissed...a LIAR!_

_A mysterious, dishonest, underhanded liar!_

_"Dogs are so easy to read." "And they're always honest and upfront."_

_But Jake's not any of those things. Even though he's definitely a dog!_

_How could he just let me make such a fool of myself? Over and over again?_

_"You're the guy. She's likes you...Go for it."_

_God, Jake must've been laughing his ass off about what an IDIOT I was._

_"What's the big deal? Girls are just people, too."_

_Yeah, and they're just JERKS, too._

_Man, what a jerk!_

...

_Another sleepless night, thanks to Jake!_

_Jake the Jerk!_

_I still can't believe she lied to me like that._

_I'm finally coming to terms with that fact._

_SHE lied. Jake's a SHE._

_Of course, it only took ALL NIGHT!_

_All night to undo the several weeks of lies._

_How could Jake lie to me like that? She was my best friend._

_And maybe she still can be._

_But not when I'm still this mad._

_I've gotta confront her-tell her how pissed off I am._

_"I gotta tell you something, all right? But you have to promise not to be pissed off at me, all right?"_

_See, Jake knew I'd be mad._

_And why shouldn't I be? I have every right to be mad._

_And I'm gonna tell her._

As Hamilton headed for the front door, his mom called out from the kitchen, "Don't you want some breakfast, honey?"

"No, I gotta..." _Go tell off my best friend._ "...Get to class."

Mrs. Fleming stuck her head around the corner and looked at her son. "Class? On a SATURDAY? After the Cotillion?"

"It's Finn," Hamilton said, knowing his mom wouldn't need any other explanation, and hurried out the door.

_Okay, I gotta plan what I'm gonna say to her. To Jake. To Jake the Girl._

_Whoa. I've never talked to Jake the Girl before. It'll be weird._

_And it'll suck. I mean, I'm pissed. And ordinarily, if I was pissed at my best friend, I'd slug him, and we'd have it out, and things would be fine._

_But I can't slug a girl!_

_Though the idea of touching her is appealing._

_Oh my god, she's a GIRL! That means I could kiss her, and there wouldn't be any consequences._

_And if I enjoyed it, it wouldn't change my entire world view._

_But I can't think about kissing her. I'm PISSED. She LIED! And no amount of explaining is going to change that._

Hamilton reached her door and stood there a minute, not knowing what to do.

_I'm about to knock on a girl's door. A girl's door in the middle of a boys' dorm. My dad would FLIP!_

_Oh my god, my dad doesn't know. NO ONE knows._

_And no one CAN know. 'Cuz that would mean Jake would have to leave._

_And I want her here._

_Even though I'm pissed off!_

Hamilton gave a series of short knocks on the door.

_I wonder what Jake's doing? I wonder if she's sitting in there, concocting some NEW lies to tell me._

_And what's taking her so long? I mean, she used to always take long when answering the door, probably because she was hiding stuff. But she's got nothing to hide now._

_So why won't she answer?!_

Hamilton knocked again.

The door opened, and Jake's head peaked around.

_It's still just Jake. I expected her to look different somehow._

_Different in a way that would remind me how angry I am!_

Hamilton charged past her into the room.

"I..." Hamilton began.

_I can't believe you lied to me. I can't believe you played me for such a fool._

_I can't believe how much I want you right now._

_No! I gotta tell her what I feel. That I'm mad. That I want to slug her._

Hamilton stormed back over to the door, pinning Jake against it with his arms.

"If you were a guy, I would punch you."

"Well, that's the POINT. See," Jake said, ruffling her hair so it looked more girly.

_She's a girl. Jake's a girl._

"I'm...not."

_And there's no consequences. Just Jake._

Hamilton grabbed Jake and kissed her.

_"Extinguish sight and speech, each on each."_

_Everything's Jake._

...

"Class," Jake said, coming up for air.

_Jake's got class. And style. And she's a girl, and I never want to stop kissing her._

"Huh?"

"Class," Jake said, pushing back from Hamilton. "We have to get to class."

Hamilton stared blankly into her eyes.

"Finn's class," Jake repeated. "We're gonna be late. We've gotta go."

_I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay here forever with Jake and never let her go._

Jake broke free from Hamilton's embrace and hurried over to her desk.

Realization finally dawned on Hamilton.

"We have class," he said, stating the obvious.

"Yes," Jake said, "and we have to go."

"Not like THAT," Hamilton said, smiling as he gestured to Jake's tank top and boxers.

_Hey, I'm in a girl's room. A girl who's in her underwear. I've been KISSING a girl in her underwear!_

_I mean, it's not exactly the Victoria's Secret lingerie I always imagined, but it's better than the Gay Pride scenario I've been envisioning since I met Jake._

Jake looked down at herself and then rushed over to Hamilton, trying to push him out of the room.

"You gotta leave so I can get dressed."

Hamilton smiled and refused to budge. "Why?"

"So I can..." Jake blushed, "...change. You know."

"I know," Hamilton said, raising his eyebrows and grinning evilly as he leaned in to kiss her again. "I'd like to know more."

But Jake wasn't in the mood. "C'mon, Hamilton."

"What's the big deal?" Hamilton asked. "I saw your boobs last night."

"Okay, that was for DEMONSTRATION purposes only."

"What ELSE would you like to demonstrate?" Hamilton teased, again trying to kiss her.

"Hamilton!"

_Oops, she's pissed. I better get out while I can._

Hamilton quickly opened the door. "I'll...wait in the hall."

"Thank you!" Jake said frustratedly, pushing him out the door. She slammed the door behind him, and Hamilton heard her lock it.

Hamilton sighed and leaned against the door. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He'd been awake for over twenty-four hours. And he'd been on a non-stop emotional rollercoaster for the last twelve.

He'd kissed a BOY.

And he'd discovered his best friend had been lying to him since day one.

And he'd seen boobs!

The door opened suddenly, causing Hamilton to almost fall backwards into the room. But Jake was in such a hurry, she didn't even take the time to apologize.

"C'mon. We're totally late."

And Hamilton almost had to run to catch up with her.

...

_Man, I hate being late for class. Especially FINN'S class. He always makes such a big deal when you're late for anything._

_And walking in late with Jake is gonna look so suspicious._

_But why? What's so suspicious about that? I'm just walking in late with my best friend._

_My best friend that's a GIRL!_

_But no one knows Jake's a girl, so what's so suspicious about that?_

_Because I bet it shows. I bet it shows on my face that I've been kissing her. That I've been kissing a GIRL. That I'm not gay._

_But Lena will think we're gay._

_LENA! Oh my god, I completely forgot about her! I left her stranded at the dance! I hope she got home okay._

_Oh, there she is. She's sitting near the back, right where we're gonna sit._

_I'll have to apologize to her later. I'll have to explain._

_Explain what? I can't tell her about Jake._

_But Lena's watching us walk in late together. Late. She'll know we were together._

_Which means she'll think we're gay._

_So what? I mean, what's so bad about people thinking I'm gay? *I* thought I was gay for several weeks. And though it wasn't EASY, I was willing to risk everything just to be with Jake._

_So who cares if people think I'm gay. As long as I get to be with Jake, I don't care._

_And I'm with Jake! My whole life has been completely turned upside down overnight. But in a good way!_

_And yet Jake still looks exactly the same. No one would be able to tell that she spent the morning kissing me._

_Or that she's a SHE!_

_She looks like a boy. No wonder I didn't figure it out sooner._

_No wonder I was confused._

_But I'm not confused anymore. _

_I mean, I'm in love with Jake. I have been since the day I first laid eyes on her._

_And nothing's gonna change that._

_..._

END OF PART 3


	4. Part 4

All About Hamilton Pt 4

a Young Americans story

by "phoebenpiper", aka Cordelia Willis

Disclaimer: Characters are property of the WB, etc. I don't own them.

...

_Man, this class is lasting forever, and we weren't even s'posed to HAVE class today. Jake's right – Finn's a total wanker._

_Jake..._

_It's so weird. He—SHE's sitting next to me and she doesn't look any different. But EVERYTHING's different! I mean, Jake's a GIRL! Which means I'm not gay._

_Though I DID kiss someone who I thought was a boy. And it felt great!_

_But it was Jake and Jake's a girl so therefore I just won't worry about it._

_At least not right now._

"Well, that's it till Monday."

_Thank god. Now Jake and I can get out of here and go talk._

_Yeah, sure. "Talk". Like we "talked" all morning._

_Though we probably should actually "talk" talk. Because, come to think of it, dressing up like a boy at an all-boys school is pretty screwed up._

"Don't forget to read the Longfellow poem for Monday."

_Yeah, yeah, whatever._

Hamilton, Jake, and the other students began standing up.

"So," Jake said, "you wanna go somewhere and talk?"

Hamilton smiled. _Yeah, he wants to "talk", too!_

_Or maybe he means just "talk" talk. And that would be okay, too._

"Sure."

Hamilton turned and almost collided with Lena.

"Hey, Hamilton. Jake."

Jake smiled back. "Hey, Lena."

_Oh, man, I can't deal with Lena right now. Not after last night._

_Last night!_

"Hey, I'm sorry 'bout last night," Hamilton said quickly. "Did you get home okay?"

Lena nodded. "I ran into some girlfriends and we ended up going out for ice cream afterwards."

"_Girlfriends"? I didn't think Lena was gay. I thought she liked Jake._

_Which I guess WOULD make her gay, knowing what I know now._

_Oh, but I bet she just means girl FRIENDS, not girlfriends. Duh! Shows where MY mind is._

"Glad you two could make it to class today, gentlemen," Finn said, suddenly appearing in front of them and startling Hamilton. "Have too much fun at the dance last night?"

_Oh my god, he KNOWS! He knows that I kissed Jake in the bathroom at the Cotillion!_

_But how? He wasn't in there – I checked every stall. And they wouldn't have surveillance cameras in the bathroom – that would just be creepy. _

"Yeah," Jake said sarcastically, "sorry we were late for class...on SATURDAY."

_Oh, maybe Finn was just referring to us walking in to class late together, like we were up late and accidentally slept in or something._

_Though, in all actuality, I didn't sleep AT ALL last night.._

_Man, sleep sounds good right about now._

"Yeah, why DID we have class today?" Lena asked.

"Because last night was a big night for you all," Finn explained.

_Man, he has NO IDEA how big a night it was for me. I mean, I went from being totally bored, to being convinced I was gay, to seeing Jake's boobs, to..._

_Hmmm. Jake's boobs. I wonder when I'll get to see those again._

Hamilton smiled to himself.

_The mere thought of boobs makes me smile – how could I have ever thought I was gay?_

"And when you have a big experience like that," Finn continued, "your mind is more open. And an open mind is necessary for studying literature."

_What is Finn going on about? I wasn't really listening._

"Speaking of literature," Jake said, "do you have a copy of that Browning poem we read last week in class?"

"Yeah," Finn said, leading Jake over to the tree where he'd left his books, leaving Lena and Hamilton alone.

_I guess I should say something._ "So..."

Lena nodded. "So."

_Okay, once again not a big help when it comes to conversation._

"I...I really am sorry about abandoning you last night."

Lena smiled knowingly. "I didn't mind. So..." she said, glancing over at Jake, "did you and Jake...talk?"

"Yeah." _Of course we talked. For god's sake, she saw us walk into class together—we obviously talked while walking._

_Oh, she means "talk". In other words, did I throw caution to the wind, or did I just act like the chickenshit I usually am?_

_But I'm NOT a chickenshit. Despite everything, I risked it all by kissing Jake._

_And if I hadn't, maybe I NEVER would've found out that Jake's a girl._

_And I never would've kissed Jake in the first place if it weren't for Lena egging me on. So in reality, I owe Lena everything._

"And thanks."

"For what?"

"For..." _For everything. For changing my life forever. No, that sounds way too mushy. I can't even look at her when I say this._ "...you know."

Lena nodded. "No problem."

_Cool. Lena's being cool. And she's the only one who knows about me and Jake._

_But she doesn't really know about JAKE. Which means she thinks I'm gay._

_Wait! I don't want her thinking I'm gay!_

_Hello, idiot! She HAS to think you're gay. Because she knows you like Jake, so if you're NOT gay, then Jake must be a girl. And if Lena figures out Jake's a girl, other people, like my DAD, will figure it out and Jake'll get kicked out!_

_And they can't kick him out NOW, not when we're just getting together._

_So hopefully Lena thinks I'm gay._

_Wow. Who would've ever guessed I'd be wishing for THAT?_

_Oh, wait, it looks like Jake's done talking to Finn—I wonder if he'll wait for me._

"Go," Lena said.

"What?"

Lena nodded her head towards Jake. "Go catch up with Jake. I'll see you later."

_Hey, that's cool—she saw that I wanted to be with Jake. I guess she's good at that._

"Thanks," Hamilton said, starting to hurry off towards Jake. "Catch ya later, Lena."

"Bye, Hamilton," Lena called after him as he reached Jake.

"Hey."

"Hey," Jake said as they wandered off together into the woods around the lake. "I didn't wanna interrupt you and Lena."

_I hope Jake doesn't think I like Lena. I mean, I DID take her to the Cotillion._

"I don't like Lena," Hamilton said quickly.

Jake laughed and gave him a weird look. "I didn't think you did. At least, not after last night."

_Hey, I just realized, Jake doesn't even know that Lena is the one who brought us together. And that she KNOWS about us._

"It was all because of her."

"What was?"

"The whole..." _Is anyone around? I better talk in code, just in case._ "...bathroom thing last night. Lena guessed that I liked you and told me to go for it."

"Yeah," Jake said, "she told me you liked me."

"What?!" _Oh my god, what else did she tell?!_ "What'd she say?"

"She said that you thought it was a bad idea for her and me to get together, that you were jealous. I said that you were jealous because you liked her, and she said no, you liked me."

_I'm so embarrassed! I can't believe Lena TOLD Jake!_

_And I can't believe Lena figured it out! I mean, I wasn't THAT obvious, was I?_

"And I was so jazzed," Jake continued. "But then you asked Lena to the Cotillion, so I thought Lena was wrong and you DID like her."

"Oh, I didn't. I mean, I DON'T. I just...I was freaking out...about the whole 'you' situation...and so going with Lena was just kinda the easy way out. Though it turned out way harder than I thought because she just kept talking the whole evening about how we were obviously in love with each other and—"

"Wait, she thought I liked you, too?"

"Apparently. So she told me to throw caution to the wind and just go for it."

Jake smiled. "'Throw caution to the wind', huh? So maybe I should be thanking Lena next time I see her?"

"You don't need to—I already did."

"Cool. And it's cool to have an ally that knows about us. Wait—she just knows about 'us', right, and not about ME?"

_Duh! If she's knows I'm with Jake, she must know Jake's with me._

"I mean," Jake continued, "you didn't tell her the TRUTH, did you?" She gestured awkwardly towards her chest.

_Oh! She means the girl thing._

"Of course not!"

Jake sighed, obviously relieved. "Sorry. I'm just so used to having to hide stuff from everybody, I'm still not used to the fact that you know." Jake stopped and looked at him seriously. "And you know that you can't tell ANYBODY, right?"

"Duh!" _I'm not stupid._ "I don't want you getting kicked out."

Jake nodded and continued walking through the woods. "Me neither. I kinda like it here."

"But why here?"

Jake looked all confused. "What?"

"Rawley. A BOYS school. Why'd you do it?"

"You know what I said before, about waiting for someone to notice me switching schools all the time? I figured for sure that my mom would notice that I was writing from a boys school." Jake sighed. "Maybe she just doesn't get my letters."

_Poor Jake! I'd hate to have a mom who doesn't even notice me._

"Well, maybe it's a GOOD thing in this instance," Hamilton said, trying to cheer her up. "'Cuz if she knew, you'd have to leave."

Jake smiled. "So it's really a blessing in disguise, huh?"

"Yep. Now, your mom's really an actress, right?"

Jake raised an eyebrow. "Of course."

"Well, I thought so. But I also thought you were a guy, so I don't really trust my assumptions any more."

"Hamilton, everything I ever told you, about my mom and my life, is true." Jake grinned. "Okay, not EVERYTHING. But I'm still the same person you became friends with, even if I'm not a guy." Jake sighed. "And I am sorry I had to lie to you. But I didn't know who I could trust. And you weren't exactly the 'Swiss vault' you claimed to be."

_Yeah, I did kinda spill the beans about Jake's bike. And to Ryder, no less._

_Oh my god, Ryder! What if he finds out about Jake being a girl? That would almost be worse than my DAD finding out._

"But I WAS gonna tell you," Jake went on. "I'd made up my mind to tell you at the Cotillion. But then when you went with Lena, I was so upset, I wasn't even gonna go. But after several hours of feeling sorry for myself last night, I decided to go and tell you anyway."

Hamilton was surprised. "That's why you came to the dance last night?!"

_I hadn't even wondered why Jake had showed up. I was just so glad to see him—HER, and then Lena started talking about how cute Jake was, and..._

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." Jake thought a moment and then gave Hamilton a look. "But what did you want to talk to ME about?"

Hamilton blushed. _Do I admit that I was all confused? Do I tell her that I'd thought about nothing except that kiss on the roof since it happened? That I was convinced I was gay because I was so in love with her?_

_But she already knows that. She knows that I kissed her still thinking she was a guy. How screwed up is that?_

"Are you okay with this?" Hamilton blurted out.

Jake looked all confused. "About what?"

"That I..." _No one's around. Just say it._ "...I kissed a GUY!"

Jake laughed. "I'M fine with it." She looked at Hamilton intensely. "But are YOU?"

_That's what I struggled with all last night. Actually, I've been struggling with it for WEEKS! But I wouldn't be here talking to Jake right now if I hadn't come to some kind of terms with it._

_So if she's cool with it, I guess I am too._

"I s'pose." Hamilton stared down at his feet and, for the first time, noticed the piece of paper in Jake's hand. "What's that?"

"This?" Jake asked, blushing. "It's, uh, the Browning poem you read aloud in class last week. I asked Finn for a copy of it."

"Why?"

"This is gonna sound stupid," Jake said, blushing even redder, "but it kinda reminded me of you."

"I was TOTALLY thinking of you when I read it," Hamilton said excitedly. "And that line about 'extinguishing sight and speech...'"

"'Each on each,'" Jake joined in with him, grinning.

_This is so cool!_

"That's what I felt last night!" Hamilton said, "When I 'threw caution to the wind'! I kept thinking of that line all night long, as I tried to work everything out in my head."

Jake smiled. "I guess we actually have something to thank Finn for."

"Imagine that."

They were now within sight of the front of the school, where students were removing the large Cotillion signs and hanging up new ones.

"What're those for?" Jake asked.

"Oh, yeah, around here there's always SOMETHING going on. Next week is Parents' Weekend." _Parents! What if Jake's mom comes? That would ruin everything._ "Your mom's not coming, is she?!"

Jake laughed bitterly. "My mom hasn't made a Parents' Weekend since I was ten, and she only came THEN because I was being expelled for setting fire to the curtains."

"Well, that's good." _Wait, that doesn't sound right._ "I mean, her not coming, not the setting fire thing." _Wait, isn't setting fires at an early age a sign of a future serial killer?_ "Do I dare ask WHY you set fire to the curtains?"

"For the same reason I'm wearing boxers and a binder now. Nothing's really changed in the past six years."

"Except that you now pee standing up," Hamilton teased.

Jake laughed. "I wish I COULD! But there are some things about being a boy that I just can't fake."

_I wonder how she does manage to hide that fact in the bathroom._

_Oh, but she doesn't have to—her room has its own toilet!_

"So THAT'S why you scammed that room," Hamilton said. "You needed your own bathroom."

"Yeah, and my own bedroom," Jake said. "A roommate probably would've noticed my bras."

_Now more things are starting to make sense. All the secrecy. All the aloofness. He was just trying not to get caught._

"And speaking of," Jake continued, "YOUR roommates are probably wondering where you've been all morning."

_Roommates? I don't have any roommates._

Jake gestured to Hamilton's house, where they'd mindlessly walked.

_Oh, she means my parents. Yeah, my mom probably wants to grill me some more about the Cotillion last night._

"You wanna come inside?" Hamilton asked. "We could...lock my bedroom door." _And get back to kissing._

"I think it's too risky," Jake said. "Remember, you DO want to keep me around for awhile, don't you?"

"Definitely!"

"Besides, I have a big assignment in my computer class that's due on Monday and I haven't even started it yet. I best get back to my room and work on it."

"What is it with teachers this weekend?" Hamilton asked sullenly. "Holding class on Saturday, giving big assignments. Don't they know that we have other things on our mind besides SCHOOL?!"

"Munchie! There you are." Hamilton's mom was standing in the doorway. "I was just coming to look for you. I need help organizing the art room today to start getting it ready for Parents' Weekend." She smiled at Jake. "You're welcome to join us, Jake—the more, the merrier."

"A.k.a. misery loves company," Hamilton mumbled. _Why'd Mom have to show up now?_

Jake smiled at Hamilton's comment. "No thanks, Mrs. Fleming. I have a big computer assignment to do."

Hamilton's mom nodded. "Well, I'm gonna steal Hamilton away from you then."

"All right." Jake turned to Hamilton and smiled. "I'll see you later."

_I don't want her to go! I want to kiss her! I want to hold her! I don't want to spend my afternoon scrubbing clay off the floor._

"Yeah, later," Hamilton said as his mom came out and put her arm around his shoulders.

"C'mon, Munchie. We've got a lot of work to do."

...

But Hamilton didn't see Jake "later". In fact, he didn't get to see him at all for the rest of the weekend. His mom kept him busy all day Saturday, and on Sunday his dad insisted he help clean the administrative offices.

So by Monday, Hamilton was looking forward to a nice relaxing crew practice.

"Where were you all weekend?" Jake asked as Hamilton joined her on the docks.

"Working slave labor," Hamilton grumbled. "But I thought you were busy anyway, working on that computer assignment."

"Oh, that didn't take me more than an hour or so."

_Damn! My one consolation all weekend was that I figured Jake was too busy to see me._

"But I got a good bike ride in yesterday." Jake suddenly noticed that Finn was nearby and quickly modified it. "Bicycle ride. You know how much I love riding my bicycle."

Not that Finn would've noticed. "Okay, boys, let's get in the boat. We've got lots to talk about today."

Hamilton went and stood by the boat. _Hey, Jake gets to sit in front of me! I get to stare at Jake all through practice._

_Well, duh! He's only sat in front of me all summer._

_Of course, that was when she wasn't a girl. I mean, when I didn't KNOW she was a girl._

Jake noticed Hamilton staring at her and smiled.

_Man, she has a cute smile! And it's totally a girly smile, too! Why didn't I ever notice?_

Once the boat was out in the water, Finn started his lecture.

"As you know, we have the Regatta coming up this weekend," Finn began.

_Duh! Does he think we're idiots?_

"And it's a very important race. Not because of our opponents, but because of our spectators."

"You mean because our parents are coming," Scout said.

"Yes," Finn said. "And this is your opportunity to demonstrate to your parents the people you have become. To show them what hard work and dedication have bought you."

"I prefer what my stepdad's money can buy me," Ryder joked.

Finn ignored him. "You all have already exceeded MY expectations. Now it's your chance to exceed YOURS. To be the best that you can be. To make your parents proud."

_Jake looks kinda sad. I bet he's upset that his mom can't come, even though that would be a total disaster. You know, he talks about his mom a lot. I bet he misses her. I'd sure miss MY mom if I didn't see her for months at a time._

_Though I could've gone without seeing her THIS weekend!_

"But in order to do that," Finn continued his pep talk, "we've got to put in some good, hard practices this week. So, are you boys ready?"

_Ready to put in long hours staring at Jake? I guess I'm ready to make that sacrifice!_

...

_I learned my lesson this weekend—I've been avoiding my house the last few days as much as possible. The more I'm around, the more I'll be forced into slave labor, and I had enough of that over the weekend._

_But I'm so bored. Over fifty channels, and still nothing's on. At least everything isn't fraught with meaning like it was before. I mean, I can watch "In and Out" and not have to worry which I am!_

_I wish Jake were around, though. I wanted to hang out with him after crew, but he rushed off before we could talk. And when I called his room awhile ago, his line was busy, so he's probably doing some computer stuff._

_Think of the devil, here he comes now._

"Hey."

"My mom's coming!"

_I must've misheard! His mom can't be coming! Not now!_

"Oh my god."

"She takes five minutes away from the stage to come see me, only I'm NOT me, I'm someone I invented to mess with her head to make her realize that she doesn't know me at all. That's why I did this—to get her attention, to make her notice."

_Maybe her mom will be too caught up in herself to see the difference. Isn't that what Jake's always complaining about?_

"Think she'll notice?"

"She's self-centered, she's not blind."

_I guess Jake's right—it is kinda obvious that she looks like a boy. But her mom knows she's NOT a boy, so she's likely to rat out Jake._

"If you get caught, you'll get booted, and I'll never see you again."

"She thinks I got to Rawley Girls. What am I gonna do?" Jake asked, anxiously hitting Hamilton's hand.

_If she thinks Jake goes to Rawley Girls, maybe we can just pretend Jake's a girl. I mean, Jake IS a girl, but we can just pretend that none of this boy stuff ever existed. But how can we get Jake into Rawley Girls?_

"Enroll?"

"Oh my god," Jake said suddenly. "I gotta shave my legs!"

_Why? Oh, because girls shave their legs and boys don't. So he probably hasn't shaved in awhile. That's kinda gross when you think about it. But now he'll have to shave them since he'll probably want to wear a dress when his mom comes._

_A dress! I'll get to see Jake in a dress! Maybe his mom's coming is a blessing in disguise!_

_No, it's not, because we'll have to be extra careful if we don't want Jake to get discovered and thrown out. I mean, we'll have to make sure that his mom only sees him as a girl. But we can't let anyone ELSE see him as a girl. At least, not anyone who knows him as a boy._

_Man, this is stressful. I'm beginning to see how hard all this must've been for Jake, trying to keep all the lies straight._

_And how he might've forgotten and had a sketchy moment!_

...

"Munchie," Hamilton's mom said, sticking her head into her son's bedroom. "Jake's on the phone for you."

_Oh my god, why is Jake calling here? My parents will totally figure out that he's a girl and we're going out._

_No, they won't. Jake used to call here all the time before he was girl._

_He was ALWAYS a girl, idiot! You just didn't know about it. And you used to spend all your free time with Jake, so your parents aren't gonna figure it out just from a few phone calls._

"Thanks, mom," Hamilton said, taking the receiver from her. "Hey, Jake, what's up?"

"I went shopping!"

_Man, he MUST be a girl if he called just to tell me that._

"Oh."

"For clothes."

_Yep, DEFINITELY a girl._

"For Parents' Weekend."

_Oh! GIRL clothes! Cool!_

"Did you buy a dr—" Hamilton stopped mid-word as he noticed his mom still standing in the doorway.

Luckily, Jake finished it for him. "Yeah, I bought two dresses, both pink, or pinkISH. Actually, the second one's kinda coral."

"Is it an orangey coral or..." _Oh my god, I'm such a fruit! What guy even cares about colors?_

_And why should *I* care? I'm gonna get to see Jake in a dress! I can't wait! 'Cuz then it'll make it all seem more real._

_Not that I don't know he's a girl. I kissed him enough the day after the Cotillion to be SURE. But it's so hard not to see him as a guy when he's dressed in a t-shirt and baseball cap. But to see him in a dress—a PINK dress—that'll be a whole new experience!_

"I guess it's more of a pinky coral," Jake was saying, "with white polka dots and—you'll just have to see it for yourself."

"I can't wait!"

"So...you wanna come over now for a fashion show?"

_I thought she'd never ask._

"Sure, I'd love to..." Hamilton trailed off as he saw his mother frantically gesturing from the door.

_Aw man, now what?_

"We're having company for dinner tonight," his mom whispered, "so as soon as you're off the phone, I need you to come set the table for me."

_Foiled again! Sometimes I HATE being 15!_

"Okay, mom." As his mom left the door, Hamilton said into the phone, "Jake, I can't..."

"I heard—have to set the table, huh?"

"Yeah." _Life sucks!_

"Okay. Maybe tomorrow then?"

_Oh yeah! He'll still have the dresses tomorrow—it's not like I HAVE to see him tonight._

"Definitely!"

"I'll see you tomorrow morning at crew, then."

_He's gonna wear his_

_dress to CREW?! Does he WANT to get caught?!_

_Oh, I bet he just means he'll SEE me at crew, dressed as a boy like normal._

"Sounds good."

"All right. Talk to you later...Munchie."

_Man, I HATE that nickname! Why does my mom always have to call me that?_

_And why does Jake have to tease me about it?_

"Ha ha. Bye."

"Bye."

As Hamilton hung up, a slow smile spread across his face.

_Tomorrow I get to see Jake dressed as a girl!_

_It almost makes setting the table bearable._

...

_Oh, when will this class ever end? I never should've gotten caught up with the reading—now everything's just review. Civil War—blah blah blah. How can I concentrate on the Confederacy when all I can think about is Jake in a dress._

_Jake in a dress! It's all I've thought about since I talked to him last night._

_Yet despite the fact that I've been obsessing about it for hours and hours, I still can't quite picture it. I KNOW Jake's a girl—I saw her boobs, for Christ's sake—yet when I look at him, I still see a boy. And seeing a boy in a dress is just weird!_

_But Jake's NOT a boy, she's a girl. She BELONGS in a dress._

_So why am I so freaked out about seeing her in one?_

_Because what if she doesn't look like the Jake I've come to know and love?_

_Of course she won't look like THAT Jake. 'Cuz that Jake's a boy._

_That's it. I fell in love with Jake as a boy, so I'm freaked to see her as a girl. It's like __The Crying Game__ in reverse, and now all my latent homosexual tendencies are REALLY confused!_

_But I'm NOT gay, and Jake's a GIRL, and she's gonna look GREAT in her dress. And everything's gonna be fine._

_I hope._

"Tomorrow we'll begin discussing Reconstruction," Mr. Bailey said. "Make sure you read the next chapter tonight."

_I'm never reading the chapter again—it gives my mind too much time to think during class and that's not healthy._

_And now that class is finally over, I can go find Jake and put myself out of this agony of uncertainty._

As Hamilton picked up his books from his desk and started out, Will ran up to him.

"Hey, Ham. Are you gonna see Jake later?"

_Oh my god, he KNOWS! He knows I like Jake! He knows Jake and I are together._

"No! Of course not! Why would I see Jake?!"

Will gave him a weird look. "Because you and Jake are best friends? See, Jake left his book behind after practice this morning, so I thought, if you were gonna see him later, you could give—"

_Phew! He doesn't know. He just thinks Jake and I are friends._

"Sure, I'll take it to him," Hamilton said calmly, taking the book and eliciting another weird look from Will.

"Okay," Will said warily. "Thanks."

"No problem."

_This is perfect. I can go to Jake's room under the pretense of returning his book, and no one will suspect why I'm REALLY there._

_But why do I need a pretense? Everyone knows Jake and I are best friends. We hang out together at Jake's room all the time._

_Actually, now that I think about it, we DON'T spend that much time in his room. We used to just hang out in the Common Room or over at my house. I bet he didn't want me snooping around his room 'cuz I might've found something that would've made me figure out he was a girl, like a drawer of bras or something._

_Ooh, a drawer of bras! I can't wait to snoop around his room now!_

_I hope he's back from his computer class by now. I don't know why he needs another computer class when he can already hack into anything. I guess it's an easy "A", and I respect that._

As Hamilton knocked on the door, he suddenly realized something.

_Oh wow, this is the first time I've been to Jake's room since the morning after the Cotillion. Man, it seems like a lifetime ago, even though it's only been a few days._

_Which means it's been a few days since I kissed him._

_I get to kiss Jake again! And I get to kiss him in a dress! Today is turning out to be a GREAT day!_

Hamilton started to knock again, but Jake opened the door, wearing a blue bathrobe pulled over his clothes.

"Enough already. I heard you the first time. C'mon in."

_I can't wait to kiss him again. I can't believe I spent all day obsessing about the dress thing and I didn't even THINK about the kissing thing!_

Jake finished locking the door behind Hamilton and turned around to find him directly in front of her.

_This is it! Another kiss!_

"Oh, my book," Jake said, grabbing it away from Hamilton. "Where'd you find it?"

"Will said you left it after practice." _Who cares about the book—let's kiss!_ "So..."

"So...you need to sit down and close your eyes."

Hamilton smiled wickedly. "Ooh, kinky."

Jake smiled and rolled her eyes. "C'mon, sit."

Hamilton threw himself down in the big easy chair and pretended to close his eyes. "They're closed," he announced.

_I'll just squint, and that way I'll still be able to see her, even though it looks like my eyes are closed._

"Hamilton, stop peeking," Jake said, starting to sound annoyed.

_Damn, she caught me!_

"How's this?" Hamilton asked, covering his eyes with his hand.

"Good," Jake said. "It'll only take me a few seconds."

_I can hear him rustling around, but now I can't cheat because my hand's in the way and he'll notice if I move it._

_The suspense is killing me! I've waited all day for this._

_But now I'm starting to get nervous again. What if I don't like the way he looks in a dress? What if I like him better as a boy? What if I really am—_

"Okay. You can open your eyes."

_Now I'm too scared to open my eyes! I'm afraid of how I'll react._

_I'll just try taking a quick peek through my fingers._

_There she is. Jake's standing there in a dress. A pink dress! I gotta take it all in slowly._

_I'll start at the bottom. There are her legs—her SHAVED legs. I don't think I've ever really SEEN her legs before. She was wearing boxers the other morning, but I wasn't exactly paying attention to her legs that day! He's always wearing jeans or sweats around. And it's no wonder—he totally has girly legs! Even unshaven they would've been obvious._

_Moving up—there's her dress! Oh my god, Jake's wearing a pink dress! This is still so unreal. I'm still adjusting to the whole thing, but there she is, in a pink dress. And it looks nice on her. It doesn't look like a boy wearing a dress—it looks like a girl wearing a dress. A girl that looks a lot like my best friend Jake!_

_And there are her boobs! I still can't believe Jake has boobs. I mean, I wasn't really prepared for seeing them at the Cotillion, so I didn't have time to take them in properly. But now I can look, and they look really nice under the pink dress. I mean, I could stare at them all day._

_Except that Jake is staring at me. And he looks kinda upset._

"Whaaat?!"

_Oh, he's freaking out because I haven't said anything yet about how he looks. I wonder if he was as nervous as I was about how I'd take it. But I'm totally digging it. I think she looks great. But how can I sum all that up?_

"Wow."

"Really?"

_That did it. He totally looks relieved now. I feel kinda bad that I kept him in suspense for so long. I mean, I didn't MEAN to, I was just too busy taking him all in._

Jake turned around to look at herself in the mirror, letting Hamilton see more of her in the dress.

_Okay, she so looks like a girl. I don't know how I could've not noticed it before. Every PART of her looks girly. I don't know how I could've missed seeing it before._

"Wow," Hamilton said, standing up to get a better look.

Jake giggled.

_And such a girly giggle! Has she always sounded like that?_

_Now she's holding up a necklace. A necklace! As if she didn't look girly enough already! A necklace is JUST what she needs to finish her girly ensemble._

"Yeah."

"Yeah?" Jake asked, turning to the mirror to put it on.

_I was so worried about this dress thing. Worried she wouldn't look like Jake. Or worried that she'd look like a boy in drag._

"Last week, the only time I thought I'd see you in a dress would be at the Gay Pride Parade."

Jake laughed. "Yeah, well, my mom likes me in pastels. You know, I..."

_I wonder what made her realize that she could pull off the whole guy thing. Because looking at her now, even with her short hair, it's hard to picture her as a boy. Even though I just saw her dressed like a boy this morning at crew. It's hard to believe she could look so different._

_But she still looks like herself. She looks like Jake! And I really want to kiss her again._

_I NEED to kiss her. I mean, it all started with her kissing me on the roof. One of the shortest kisses ever, but definitely the most important one ever in my life. I can't believe all that's happened since then. And just a few days ago I kissed her thinking she was a boy, and it was incredible. And the next morning, here in her room, I kissed her again, knowing she was a girl but still trying to convince myself of that fact._

_But now I need to kiss her again. Here. Now. With her in that dress, that PINK dress._

_Because once I do that, this image of her will be burned in my memory forever. And whenever I see her at crew, or in class, or just hanging out, I'll know that this is who she truly is, deep down, under all the baseball caps and binders. A girl. A beautiful girl. A girl I just can't get enough of._

"...by the time she'd gotten back, I'd outgrown it."

_I wonder if I should've been listening. I think she was talking about her mother. But I'm gonna MEET her mom in a few days, so I don't think it'll matter that I wasn't paying attention._

"Yeah. Sweet story. C'm'ere."

_This is it! Finally! It seems like I've been waiting for this kiss my whole life!_

_Or at least all summer!_

_..._

END OF PART 4


	5. Part 5

All About Hamilton Pt 5

a Young Americans story

by "phoebenpiper", aka Cordelia Willis

Disclaimer: Characters are property of the WB, etc. I don't own them.

...

Author's Note: Whereas the first 4 parts of this story were written in the months immediately following the airing of Young Americans, this part was written in 2019. Lots in society has changed in the last two decades, especially in terms of social attitudes about sexuality and gender expression, but I've tried to keep this faithful to the time in which it aired. Also, the final scene is based on a cut scene from the show, a version of which was posted on youtube (and is super adorable!)

...

_Wow! I still can't believe what just happened! Jake in a dress! Me KISSING Jake in a dress! I just can't...wow!_

_I guess I should be grateful for Parents Weekend. Otherwise who knows how long it might've been before I saw him in a dress._

_HER! Her in a dress!_

_It's gonna take me awhile to get the pronouns right. I mean, Jake's ingrained in my mind as a he, so it's hard to think of her as a she._

_Not when I'm kissing her, of course. Then she's definitely a she. Especially in that dress!_

_But the rest of the time Jake is just Jake: my best friend, our coxswain, the boy who kissed me on the roof._

_GIRL! Girl who kissed me on the roof._

_Stupid genders! Why do we even distinguish people that way anyway? I meant, what does haven't boobs have to do with whether someone is late for practice or has read the assignment? We're all just people, right? So unless you're kissing them, why does it matter. Why can't people just be people?_

_Though I guess English isn't so bad. In some languages they even assign genders to objects. Why do the French think a table is feminine anyway—IT doesn't have boobs._

_But Jake does. And they're perfect! At least, what I've seen of them._

_And hopefully it won't be too long before I see the rest of them!_

"Hey, Munchie."

Hamilton jumped at the sound of his mom's voice calling out from the art room.

"Are you excited?"

_Oh my god, she know! She knows I was just thinking about Jake's boobs. Or about making out with Jake in his room—HER room!_

_Okay, forget about the pronouns. You need to throw mom off the scent._

"No, why would I be excited?"

His mom gave him a funny look as he wandered in and mindlessly picked up a paintbrush.

"Well, I would think you'd be excited about competing in your first regatta on Sunday."

_Oh, the regatta! Right!_

"Oh yeah, I'm excited."

His mom laughed. "Yeah, you really sound it."

Hamilton shrugged. "I just got other stuff on my mind."

_Mainly Jake in a pink dress._

_No! Don't say that. Think of something normal so Mom won't suspect._

"You know. Parents Weekend."

His mom nodded, still smiling as she took the paintbrush he'd been fiddling with out of his hand. "Yes, Parents Weekend must be distracting...since you don't see me and your father every day."

_Crap! She's right! That was a lame answer._

"I meant everyone else's parents."

_Just stop there. Don't mention Jake. _

"Are Jake's parents coming?"

_Oh my god, she figured it out anyway!_

_It's okay. Pretend you don't know what she's talking about._

"Who?"

His mom looked vaguely annoyed as she took from his hands the watercolor painting he'd been pretending to look at. "Jake? Your best friend? Are his parents coming?"

"Not parents; just a mom," Hamilton automatically corrected.

_Stop! If Mom finds out Ms. Pratt is coming this weekend, she'll seek her out, and that would be a disaster: "How does your son like it here?" "I don't have a son." Boom! Sayonara, Jake!_

_Just be vague. Pretend like Jake doesn't know what's happening—then it's not exactly lying._

"But she's not sure about this weekend."

_Wow, I managed to get the pronoun right!_

_Oh wait! I just called Jake a she in front of mom! Some Swiss vault!_

"Who's not sure?" Hamilton's dad asked, entering the art room.

_Oh my god! Dad! This is it! One slip of a pronoun and both my parents know! Jake will be kicked out and I'll never see him again! I can't believe I screwed this up!_

"Ms. Pratt, Jake's mother," Mrs. Fleming answered calmly. "She doesn't know if she'll be able to attend Parents Weekend."

_What?! She's not gonna rat out Jake to Dad?_

_Oh wait. Maybe she thought I was calling Jake's mom "she." _

_Phew! Crisis averted!_

The Dean nodded absently as he handed his wife a box of thumbtacks. He then turned to Hamilton, asking, "Does Jake have any siblings? If there's a younger sister, you should give the family a tour of the Girls' campus. Always a good idea to start recruiting early."

_So like Dad, to only care about promoting the school._

_And there's no younger sister—just an alter ego in a pink dress._

_Who doesn't know anything about the Girls' campus because he doesn't go there!_

_Actually, a tour's a great idea! Jake's not familiar with that campus but I am. It'll be perfect._

"Good idea, Dad."

"Do you need any help?"

"No!"

_Dad can't come on the tour with us! One look at Jake in a dress and she's out of here!_

"I was going to recruit Munchie here to help me finish hanging up the artwork for the show."

_Oh, he was asking Mom if she needed help._

_But what did she just recruit me for?_

"Huh?"

But the Dean seemed to ignore him. "Then I'm going to check in on the other teachers and make sure their rooms are ready." He gave his wife a quick peck on the cheek before heading for the door. "Later, son."

"Bye," but his dad was already gone. Turning back to his mom, he asked, "So what am I helping you with?"

His mom laughed. "You really ARE distracted, honey." She gestured first to the piles of artwork on the tables and then the classroom walls, where Hamilton now realized she'd been hanging items the entire time he'd been there. "I'm hanging up the art around the room, like a real showing. That's why I made you help me clean last weekend, so the room will look more like a gallery and not just a classroom.

"So here," she said, handing him the box of thumbtacks. "Start hanging these while I put away the rest of the art supplies from today's class."

Hamilton nodded absently, his mind still dwelling on his dad's suggestion.

_A tour will be perfect. This way, Ms. Pratt won't even notice that Jake doesn't know the Girls' campus._

_And it will give me an excuse to hang out with Jake in a dress!_

_But that was a close call with the whole "she" thing. Maybe I should stop "correcting" the pronouns in my brain, because the more I think of Jake as a "she", the more likely I am to say it outloud._

_And today's slip didn't matter. But it could've! A "she" at the wrong time and Jake could be kicked out of here faster than you can say "juvenile detention."_

_So Jake should just stay a "he" in my head so I don't screw up. _

_But will I be okay with that? Can I handle having these kinds of thoughts about Jake as a boy?_

_Yeah, of course. I was having thoughts about kissing Jake long before I knew the truth. So where's the harm in continuing to think of her as a boy?_

_HIM! Him as a boy._

_I really need to get this straight in my head!_

_Because I'd never forgive myself if I screwed this up for Jake._

_And for me!_

...

_I really wish I'd gotten a chance to talk to Jake about this whole tour thing beforehand. But Mom had me helping her till super late, and by the time I finished, it was too late to call. And I remembered Jake saying he wanted to get all his weekend homework out of the way before his mom came so I didn't want to bug him._

_But I'm sure it'll be fine. Jake will follow my lead when I start giving the tour. He's good at that, just going with the flow and acting like he knows what's going on. I wish I could be more like that—my dad always says I'm slow to catch on to things. Of course, HE hasn't figured out Jake's a girl yet, so who's slow now?!_

_There's Jake! And that must be Ms. Pratt. Glad I caught them before they went inside._

"Ms. Pratt," Hamilton called as he hurried over to them.

"Yes?"

_She's pretty. I can see the family resemblance. _

"Welcome."

_She's not what I expected. And she's got a nice smile._

"Um..."

_How do I start this? I guess I'll just introduce myself._

"I'm Hamilton Fleming."

_She definitely doesn't seem the total ogre Jake's always making her out to be. But whatever, let's just get this tour started._

"Uh...the Dean..." _Do I mention he's my dad? No, just keep going! "..._asked me to personally escort you and Jake—"

"Kuhlin!"

_Kuhlin? What is THAT supposed to mean?_

"Jacqueline."

_Oh, I get it: the NAME Jacqueline._

"Jacqueline."

_Oh! That must be HER name!_

"Oh."

_Wait, what was I saying before? _

_Oh yeah! Personally escorting..._

"...You and JACQUELINE on a tour of the grounds."

"That sounds great. But first, direct me to a ladies' room—I need some lips and eyes."

_She's taking my arm. Well, Jake teased me about being chivalrous before—he ain't seen nothing yet. I can be Mr. Suave, and Ms. Pratt will never know that I kissed her daughter in the boys' restroom!_

"So, Hamilton, tell me about the student body."

_Jake's giving me a look. I've got this! She doesn't need to worry!_

_Or maybe that's a "sorry my mom's such a spaz" look—I've given Jake that look a few times myself when my mom is being weird._

_Whatever. Let's just get this tour over with so Ms. Pratt won't suspect that Jake doesn't really go here._

"Well, Ms. Pratt..."

"Call me Monica. Please."

_Oh, she's one of THOSE, the parentals who try to act all cool and with it. Like she's a friend, not an actual parent. No problem—I'm used to that sort._

"Well, Monica, Rawley Academy was established as a boys-only school in..."

_Blah blah blah! I can practically give this tour in my sleep._

_Which is good, because now I can think about the fact that Jake's actually named Jacqueline! Who knew?! It never even occurred to me that his name WASN'T Jake, but I guess that is more of a guy's name. And obviously he couldn't register for Rawley Boys' as Jacqueline, so at least Jake would be close enough that he'd remember to answer to it._

_But I can't believe he never told me. I'm going to have to tease him about that when we're alone. As soon as his mom disappears into the restroom..._

"And here's the Ladies Room," Hamilton said, allowing Jake's mom to unhook her arm from his.

"Thank you, Hamilton. We'll try not to be TOO long."

_WE?! Oh no, she's making Jake go with her. Jake's shooting me a look—clearly he'd rather stay and talk with me as well. But there's nothing I can do without drawing attention so I'll just let him go. Besides, Jake probably would like to spend some time alone with his mom, since she just got here._

_Man, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get to see my mom all the time. I mean sure, she drives me crazy sometimes. And I can't believe she made me spend all last night helping her set up her art room—she forgets sometimes that I'm not her personal minion! But I actually like hanging out with my mom, even if she puts me to work, and I'd totally miss her if I had to go away to school._

_But I shouldn't be thinking about that. I should be making a plan. Because Ms. Pratt will no doubt want to see Jake's dorm room, and THAT can't happen. I mean, she'd be bound to notice that his room is in the BOYS' dorm. And I don't know any girls here well enough to use their room._

_Well, I know Lena. But the problem is, Lena knows Jake. And Lena's smart and quick to catch on, so she'd be bound to notice how much Jacqueline looks like Jake, and then the whole truth would come out. Wiser just to avoid the Girls' dormitories altogether. But I need to make it look like I'm not TRYING to avoid them. _

_Oh, here comes Jake._

_No, that's DEFINITELY Jacqueline. I think her mom made her put on more lipstick or something. What'd she call it? "Lips and eyes." Jacqueline definitely has both, and they look amazing._

_And she looks good in that dress, too. She didn't show me this one. She's right—it is kind of a pinky coral. I guess she really DOES like pink! And it definitely likes her! She looks great in it! And it shows off her bare back, too! I don't think I've ever seen—_

"So, Hamilton—"

_Whoa, I didn't even notice her mom standing there! Time to stop staring and get back to business._

Hamilton once again offered his arm and resumed the tour, taking them through a side door so Ms. Pratt wouldn't notice the stairs to the upstairs dormitories.

"And this is the Girls' Common Room."

_Uggh! It's so bright in here. I much prefer the dark wood of our Common Room to these white painted walls. It's so hospital-like. At least they got rid of the hideous 1970s wallpaper a few years ago!_

But Ms. Pratt was busy looking at what was hanging on the walls. "What stunning photographs!"

Hamilton beamed. "We just put those up last spring. My mom thought that many of the girls might be missing their pets, so these photos might help ease their homesickness."

Jake's mom removed her arm from Hamilton's so she could approach the triptych of enlarged photographs hanging behind the TV.

_I can't believe she likes them. I guess mom was right—they ARE good. And my babies look so cute in them._

Ms. Pratt seemed to be looking for something around the edges. "Who's the artist?" she asked as she searched. "Are these Peter Beard's?"

Hamilton felt his heart practically stop. _I can't believe she just compared my photos to my hero's!_

"No, they're, uh...they're mine actually."

"Yours?!" Jake's mom seemed impressed.

As did Jake. "I had no idea."

_Just breathe. You're fine_.

"Yeah. I took 'em last year—in the fall, winter, and spring. I was trying to catch my dogs at play, to capture their raw joy."

"You certainly did that." Ms. Pratt turned to admire the photos once again. "And you have an excellent eye. That's why I thought they might be Peter's. So much like "The End of the Game." The winter one even reminds me of—"

"—The orphaned cheetah cubs," Hamilton finished along with her.

_BEST COMPLIMENT EVER! That photo was actually my inspiration, the way my babies are staring straight at the camera! _

_I can't wait to tell mom that my work was mistaken for Peter Beard's! She'll be all "I told you so!" but how am I to trust her opinion? She likes everything I do._

"So who's this Peter guy?" Jake asked.

_What?! How can she not know?! We've been friends for ages—how can I not have mentioned him already?!_

"Oh, you remember, dear," Jake's mom was busy explaining. "Peter, the fashion photographer. He was at that New Year's Eve party a few years ago, still recovering from—"

_Jake's frowning. I wonder why._

"I wasn't at that party," Jake interrupted. "I spend every New Year's with Consuela, remember?"

_Oh. No wonder Jake's upset. _

_But he likes Consuela—I'd figure he'd want to spend the holiday with her._

_Maybe it's more that he DIDN'T get to spend it with his mom._

But Jake's mom was continuing, "Well, anyway, you've probably met him at some party or other in New York. He's a fashion photographer—"

_Jake still looks upset. Maybe I should change the subject._

"He's not just a fashion photographer," Hamilton burst in. "He's best known for his photos of wildlife in Africa." Hamilton walked up to Ms. Pratt's side and offered her his arm. "Now obviously the Rawley campus doesn't offer quite the wildlife that Africa does, but we do have lovely grounds."

As he started to lead the Pratts outside, Jake shot him a grateful smile.

_Good! I'm glad he's not upset anymore._

"As you can probably tell, we have a groundskeeper employed year round, so the students can enjoy the fresh-cut lawns and colorful gardens all summer, and in the fall..."

_..._

"Uh, look, Hamilton," Jake said, offering her hand for him to shake. "Thank you. For everything."

_She's giving me a meaningful look. I don't think she's just thanking me for the personal tour._

"No problem." Hamilton then turned to her mom, offering his hand. "It was very nice to meet you, Ms..."

_I know she told me to call her by her first name, but I can tell she enjoys hearing the respectful address...and enjoys getting to reaffirm her "with it' status._

"Monica."

_Yep, just as I expected—look how proud of herself she looks._

"Monica."

"Nice meeting you. And Hamilton, don't forget, if you email me some of your photos, I'll get them to Peter Beard when I see him in New York."

_Don't forget! I'm heading home right after this to go through all my proofs and figure out which ones I should send her. I still can't believe she's offered to share my photos with him! Mom will be thrilled, too!_

"Thank you."

"It's great that you have an artistic outlet that you're passionate about, and good at."

_I still can't believe she liked my photos...and mistook them for Peter Beard's!_

Ms. Pratt continued, "I always tell Jacqueline that."

"Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You master everything you do."

_Jake doesn't sound too happy about it._

"She played Lady MacBeth in three different languages."

_Three languages! I can barely speak one. _"Wow."

"Well..." Ms. Pratt shrugged. _She's trying to act humble, but you can tell she's pleased with herself. I can see how that might rub Jake the wrong way._

"You know," Ms. Pratt continued, "if you don't already have plans, why don't you come with Jacqueline and me to the Rawley Girls' luncheon tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?!" Jake and Hamilton asked in unison, no doubt thinking the same thing: _Just don't let it interfere with the Regatta._

"At noon."

_Damn!_

"Oh god," Jake mumbled aloud.

"What?"

_I better answer, so that her mom doesn't suspect Jake's involved._

"I have the first heat of the Regatta at the exact same time." _I hope Jake remembers it's scheduled for noon, too._

"Yeah, I heard about that."

_Oh good, she remembers. Maybe she can get out of luncheon._

"You know, mom," Jake continued, "noon is such a weird time to eat lunch. Why don't we do it at two, or three?"

"Honey, it's not a coffee shop. It's a planned event."

"Right."

_Well, THAT didn't work! Maybe Jake can come up with a better excuse._

_And maybe I should leave so he can think of one._

"Well, I'd better be going," Hamilton said, offering his hand to Ms. Pratt again. "I'm sure I'll see you around."

_Jake needs to let me know if he gets out of it._

_And if he doesn't, we need to come up with a plan! I'll wait for him in the Common Room so we can discuss it._

_Oh, but I going to go look through my photos now. I guess that will have to wait._

_Though I better make sure Ms. Pratt knows I'm still planning to send them._

"I'll send you those pictures."

_I really hope she passes them on to Peter Beard._

_And I really hope Jake comes up with an excuse to get out of the luncheon._

_Otherwise we've got a real mess on our hands!_

...

_Where is Jake?_

Hamilton glanced at his watch once again before continuing to mindlessly flip through channels.

_How long does it take to say goodbye to your mom when you're going to see her again tomorrow anyway?_

_Except Jake's supposed to see her at the luncheon at noon. Hopefully he got out of it. Because I sure don't have any ideas._

_Here he comes. But where's his dress?_

"You changed!"

Jake frowned, trying to catch his breath. "Well obviously!"

_Damn. I kinda wanted to see him in his dress again._

_But this is the BOYS' Common Room. I guess he did have to change out of that backless dress…._

_Which means some hedge between here and the Girls' campus got to see her naked!_

"So WHERE did you change?" Hamilton asked, grinning at the thought.

Jake gave a frustrated sigh. "Do you REALLY think we should be discussing that HERE?"

_Oh, right!_

Hamilton tossed down the remote and quickly followed Jake up the stairs to his room.

But as soon as the door was shut behind them, Hamilton teased, "So you have to show me the hedge you changed behind, because I MAY want to post a camera there."

"This isn't funny, Hamilton. I'm supposed to be having lunch with my mother at the same time as the first heat of the Regatta. This is serious. You need to focus."

_I AM focusing. Specifically on Jake's lips, which look pinker and poutier than normal. Must be the lipstick. And I think she's still got mascara on as well._

"You've still got your 'lips and eyes'," Hamilton pointed out.

Jake rushed to the mirror. "Dammit!" he mumbled, grabbing up a kleenex and rubbing it across his lips.

Hamilton stepped up behind his friend, teasing, "I can think of a better way to get that off."

But Jake pushed him away. "This isn't funny. Do you know how bad this could've been if someone had seen? This whole weekend is such a disaster. The ONE time my mother comes to visit me on Parents Weekend, and it's liable to get me kicked out of here."

_He's freaking out. I need to just calm him down._

"You're not going to get kicked out. We're gonna come up with a plan and deal."

Jake looked at him, frowning but hopeful. "You really think so?"

Hamilton grinned. "Yes. Now give me a kiss and we'll figure something out. I promise."

Jake smiled and gave him a quick kiss before going to sit in his desk chair.

_That's it?! That was like the shortest kiss on record!_

_But maybe if we come up with a plan we can kiss some more._

Sitting down on Jake's bed, Hamilton said, "Okay, so let's figure this out."

"I'm open to suggestions. Obviously the idea of eating later didn't work."

"And noon is only the first heat. If we win, we'll have to race again later."

"Damn! I hadn't even thought of that."

_Oops. That's only stressed out Jake more! We should just focus on one problem at a time._

"Let's just worry about noon then."

"Right. Noon, when I need to be in two places at once."

_Two places: the Regatta and..._

"So the luncheon is going to be at the Girls' Academy, I presume."

"No, it's going to be at Friendly's."

_Man, Jake sure gets cranky when he's stressed._

"Look, I'm just trying to nail down the logistics."

"We don't have TIME to discuss logistics. We need a PLAN!"

_REALLY cranky!_

"Okay, then forget about logistics." _Let's start with the basics._ "Both the Regatta and the luncheon start at noon."

"Yes, Hamilton!" Jake snapped. "That's the whole point."

"The LUNCHEON starts at noon. But that doesn't mean you have to GET THERE at noon. They'll probably have appetizers or something beforehand, right? Tell your mom—" _What? I gotta come up with something before Jake bites my head off._ "Tell her to meet you earlier. Say 11:15 or something. And then right before noon, you make some excuse to leave for a few minutes. It's not like our races take that long anyway."

"But what kind of excuse?"

_Good question._

"Um...I don't know. Anything. Like...you just remembered you have to return an overdue book to the library or something?"

"That's it?!" Jake jumped to his feet and put his hands to his head as he started to pace. "THAT'S your brilliant plan?"

_Hey, I'm trying my best!_

"I'm sorry! I'm just not used to this sort of thing."

Jake stopped his pacing to glare. "WHAT sort of thing?"

"LYING to everyone. I mean, you're used to it. You've been lying to everyone since summer session started. But I'm still new to this. And I'm just not good at it yet."

"Great," Jake said, rolling his eyes. "You're a lot of help."

_He's super stressed. Maybe a little humor would help dissolve the tension_.

"You know, most girls would be thrilled that their boyfriend's incapable of lying."

Jake stopped his pacing to stare at Hamilton. "Who says you're my 'boyfriend'?"

_Aren't I? I mean, if I'm NOT, then why have we been making out—_

"I'm joking," Jake said, sitting down on the bed next to him and giving him a quick kiss. "Of COURSE you're my boyfriend."

_I knew that._

"And of COURSE I'm glad that you're not good at lying. But it does make things rather difficult at the moment."

_She has a point._

"Which was why I was concentrating on the logistics," Hamilton explained. "Once we know what exactly we're dealing with, maybe a plan will simply present itself."

Jake smiled.

_He's so cute when he smiles._

"Okay, Logistics Boy, what do we know?"

"Well, as I said before, the luncheon where you'll be with your mom is at the Girls' Academy. And the Regatta, where you need to end up, is on the other side of the lake."

"Damn. I hadn't even thought of that."

"See? I'm good for something."

Jake laughed. "You're good for several things. But unless you have a transporter at your disposal, I'm not sure you can help with this."

Hamilton smiled as the thought came to him. "That's it!"

"You have a transporter?" Jake teased.

"No." Hamilton paused for dramatic effect, enjoying the look of expectation in Jake's eyes. "But I can get my hands on a boat."

Jake grinned. "That would definitely help."

_Yay! I helped! Maybe now he won't be so cranky._

"So do you feel better, now that we have a plan?"

Jake's grin dissolved into a frown. "But we DON'T have a plan."

"But we have a boat," Hamilton eagerly pointed out. "At least it's a start."

Jake nodded and leaned in to kiss him. Now that at least part of it was settled, Hamilton's mind was free to think back to earlier thoughts. So when their lips parted, Hamilton asked, "So where exactly is this hedge that saw you naked?"

...

Hamilton checked his watch for the umpteenth time.

_Where is she?! If she's not here soon, we're both going to miss the race! I timed it out with the boat this morning and we need four minutes to get across the lake and another minute or two to get to the dock on foot. _

_At least Jake can change clothes on the boat, so that'll save us some time. I promised her I wouldn't watch, that I'd be too busy driving the boat, but I'm not sure I can keep that promise. I just keep thinking of the hedge from yesterday! Lucky hedge!_

_Oh, I just remembered that we never came up with an excuse for how he was gonna leave his mom. We kinda forgot to get back to that topic yesterday afternoon, what with all the kissing. But Jake's smart—I'm sure he came up with something clever, something that DOESN'T involve telling his mom he goes to the boys' school! _

_Here he comes! Finally! I better start the engine so we're ready the instant he's on._

"Sorry! Sorry!" Jake climbed onto the boat and Hamilton immediately sped off across the lake.

"What took you so long?"

"Sex."

_Sex?! She was having sex?! With who?!_

_She doesn't look like she had sex. Though she looks like she's about to fall out of the boat._

_Oops! I didn't mean to rev the engine like that. _

"Sorry."

_Maybe I should concentrate on driving the boat. It'd kinda defeat the whole purpose of rushing to get to the race if I knocked her into the lake._

"You know, she knows about us."

_His mom knows? But how? We were so careful to make sure his mom wouldn't suspect._

_I guess she figured it out anyway._

_Oh, so I bet that's what Jake meant when he said he was late because of sex—he must've been talking to his mom about us._

_Wait!_

"But we're not—"

"Having it, I know!"

"Exactly!"

_Oh my god, his mom thinks we're having sex! We've only ever kissed! What if Jake's mom pulls him out of school because she thinks we're doing more?_

_Jake can't leave before we've done more! Because Jake's my chance to do more!_

"I mean, I haven't ever done it," Jake confessed.

"Me neither!"

_Oh no! I shouldn't've blurted that out. Jake thinks I'm super experienced. Back when he was a guy, we were always having conversations about sex, and I acted like I was some expert or something. Now he'll know I was full of it! _

"I..."

_I gotta make it sound like I wasn't lying to him this whole time._

"I mean, I've come close."

_It's not EXACTLY a lie. I mean, there are plenty of Victoria's Secret models that I've dreamt about..._

"Really? You haven't?"

_Phew! She's not asking for details about my "coming close" comment._

_Actually, it sounds as if she's relieved that I don't know what I'm doing either. _

_So maybe it's okay that I blurted out the truth._

_But if we're both inexperienced, then we're liable to make a mess of things. I mean, other than a few lame attempts at Spin the Bottle in middle school, I never really kissed anyone before Jake, and our first few times of that didn't go particularly smoothly._

_Though that might've had something to do with the fact that I thought he was a boy at the time!_

_Regardless, if both of us are clueless, then sex is liable to be kinda awkward at first._

_But the more we do it, the better we'll get, right?_

"We gotta practice."

_Oops! I didn't mean to say that aloud! Now she'll think that I want to have sex._

_I mean I DO. But not until we're both ready._

_And until we've practiced and perfected other things first!_

_I better fix what I said, so she doesn't feel pressured._

"Um, I mean..."

_Think! What were you saying?_

"...We gotta..."

_We gotta what? What are we even doing?_

_Oh yeah. The regatta!_

"We gotta get to practice."

_Phew! Hopefully he'll just think that's what I meant to say to begin with._

_He's smiling. And he's already dressed for the race. I kinda missed most of his changing._

_But he'll have to change in the boat again AFTER the race, right?_

...

_Phew! We made it just in time._

"Nice of you to join us, boys."

_We get it, Finn! But we're here now, so let's just do this._

_Jake looks ready..._

"All right, one foot in..."

_...except his lips look awfully pink._

_Oh my god, he forget to take off his lipstick! We've got to get rid of it before anyone sees._

_Okay, Jake can get the rest. Thank goodness no one saw._

_I better wipe off my hands before I get lipstick all over the boat—someone might notice!_

"...and down."

_Phew! Jake's lipstick is gone, we're in the boat, and we're ready to row._

_Oh my god. We're about to have our first race! Wow!_

_I've been so preoccupied with Jake and his mom, I haven't even thought about the race. I guess mom was right—I AM excited. _

_I wonder if she's here. Probably not—I think she said her art show thing extended into the afternoon. And who knows where dad is. He probably doesn't even remember I'm racing today._

_I should probably pay attention—I'd hate to be the one to cause us to lose._

_Jake looks like he's concentrating. It's hard to believe he was stripping out of a pink dress a few minutes ago._

_Mmm…_

_Jake stripping…_

_Okay, those sorts of thoughts are not helping with the whole "paying attention to the race" thing._

_I'll have plenty of time for those thoughts later..._

_...when Jake's stripping back out of his crew clothes!_

...

_We did it! We won! That was amazing!_

_And we get to race again at four. I'm so pumped right now, I wish we could race again immediately, but I'm sure it's better that we give our muscles a chance to recharge. _

_Because, now that I think of it, my arms and legs are pretty tired right now. I'm glad I don't have to run back to the boat, since there's no time crunch now._

"C'mon!" Jake said, impatiently waving him on. "We gotta hurry."

_Jake doesn't even look winded. Of course, as coxswain, he doesn't have to exert the same physical energy that the rest of us do. Not that his job isn't important, but he's gotta understand the rest of us are tired._

"I'm coming." _Though I don't understand why he's in such a hurry anyway._ "What's the rush?"

"My mom's been sitting alone this whole time. We can't just be wasting time."

_Walking slow after a big race is not wasting time. But Jake doesn't look in the mood to be contradicted. I better at least look like I'm hurrying._

_Though I don't really understand why Jake wants to rush back to his mom anyway. Because it's not like he can tell her about the race._

"Don't you wanna take a moment to savor our win?" Hamilton asked as he climbed into the boat.

"You can savor while you drive. Let's go!" she said, clapping her hands together impatiently.

Hamilton started up the boat and began to drive it back across the lake.

"Now that we're going, savor away," Jake said, his last few words sounding somewhat muffled.

Hamilton turned around to see that Jake had just removed his sweatshirt and was in the process of taking off his crewing tee.

_Forget the win—I'm savoring this! Jake's stripping right in front of me!_

_And oh my god, he still has on his pearls. He must've worn them for the race! I bet that's the first regatta ever that had a coxswain wearing pearls!_

_Now he's pulling his pink dress back up. Bam! She's suddenly Jacqueline again, even though her hair's messy from her headset. And she looks happy. Now she can take a moment and savor our win._

_Before she has to go lie to her mom about the race and the school and her entire life._

_And then she has to tell her mom goodbye for another few months._

_Wow, it kinda sucks to be her._

_As soon as I drop Jake off, I think I'm going to go find my mom and savor the fact that I don't have to tell her goodbye._

...

"Hey, mom."

"Munchie! I heard the good news! Congratulations!"

Mrs. Fleming hurried over to her son and gave him a congratulatory hug. "I'm so proud of my boy."

"Thanks."

_I'm so glad that I don't have to lie about the race to my mom. And maybe she can even watch the next one._

"So do you think you and dad will be able to make it to the final race?"

"Me, definitely. But your dad..."

Hamilton sighed. "Yeah, I figured."

_But at least I can tell him about it later._

"But that doesn't mean he's not just as proud of you, honey."

_Yeah, whatever._

"So was Jake's mom able to make it?"

"Yeah."

_Don't say that! Ms. Pratt is still here, and I don't want mom to go looking for her! _

"No!"

_Mom's looking at me funny. I better come up with an excuse._

"I mean, she WAS here, but she had to leave."

Mrs. Fleming frowned. "That's too bad. Was she at least able to see the race before she left?"

"No."

_She's not able to see ANY of our races, because then Jake's secret would come out._

_But even if Jake wasn't keeping this secret, his mom wouldn't be able to see most of our races anyway. Didn't Jake say it had been over five years since his mom came to a Parents Weekend? Though I guess if Jake's been in private schools all this time, he's grown accustomed to being by himself._

"But Jake's used to his mom not being around."

Mrs. Fleming shook her head. "Well, I'm glad Jake can handle it. But I'm thankful YOU don't have to get used to only seeing your mom for a few hours every month."

_That's exactly what I was thinking._

"Me, too, mom."

Mrs. Fleming pulled Hamilton into another tight hug. "I'm SO PROUD of you! You're growing up so fast."

"Okay, mom. That's enough," Hamilton said, squirming to get out of him mom's embrace.

"Sorry."

_No she's not._

_But that's okay. I'm glad that my mom cares so much about me._

"So what are you doing until the next race? Does Finn have you drilling or anything?"

"Nope. He just wants us to rest up and enjoy our time with the parentals."

"So why aren't you hanging with Jake? I'd think he'd want some company, since his mom had to leave."

_I'm just hoping his mom DOES leave. We've still got a couple hours before the next race, so Jake can spend a bit more time with her before sending her away._

_But I already told mom that Ms. Pratt left. And I can't really think of another reason why I wouldn't be hanging with Jake right now._

_I'm starting to really understand how difficult this whole "lying to your mom" thing is._

"And this is the art room."

_Saved by the bell! _

_Or, in this case, the Belzers!_

The owner of the voice entered the room with two adults, presumably his parents. "And this is my art teacher, Mrs. Fleming."

"And you must be Mr. and Mrs. Belzer," Mrs. Fleming said, offering her hand in greeting. "So pleased to meet you both. Jacob here is one of my most talented art students."

_And here's my chance to escape!_

"Bye, mom!"

As Hamilton reached the corridor, his mom called out, "Bye, Munchie. I'll see you at the race."

_I'm free. And I didn't have to explain why I'm not hanging with Jake._

_But what AM I gonna do? I've got a couple hours to kill, and Jake's not available._

_Ooh, I know. With all the regatta planning yesterday, I didn't even have a chance to start going through my photos. _

_I still can't believe Jake's mom is going to show my work to Peter Beard! I've gotta go find my best shots!_

_And I better set a timer, or else I'm liable to become so engrossed in looking through my photos that I miss the race!_

...

_Jake isn't here yet. Senator Calhoun's done with his speech, and everyone else is here, but I haven't seen or heard anything from Jake. I hope that's not a bad sign. I hope his mom didn't figure out th_at_ he's actually attending the Boys' Academy and decide to…_

_No, here he comes. Phew! _

"Pratt, thanks for showing up."

_What's Scout's deal? He's not usually such a prick. _

_And Jake's giving me a look, like he wants me to say something. I'm not sure what to say to get Scout to shut up. Better just keep it simple._

"Hey, lay off."

_That should do it._

"Ooh, look at the little love birds."

_Okay, that only made it worse!_

_But I can't react to the "love birds" comment or people might suspect that we really ARE love birds! I gotta just laugh it off, like he's only teasing._

"What's up your butt, Calhoun? I had a family thing."

_Whoa! I've never heard Jake snap at anyone like that before._

_Except me, when we were trying to plan the stuff with his mom this weekend. Dealing with his mom must always make him super stressed and cranky._

"I've been dealing with my dad all day, you guys."

_Wow, that sounded whiny! Scout's senator dad is here to spend time with him and he's complaining about it?_

"Yeah, well, I don't have a dad so I'm not dealing with one."

_I can't believe Jake just blurted that out to everyone. Maybe he thought Scout sounded whiny, too! Jake has MUCH more to be whiny about than Scout._

_And come to think of it, at least Scout's dad is here at the race. This is my dad's school, and he can't even be bothered to come watch._

"And mine lives here and I haven't seen him all weekend."

"Rich kids, dealing with mommy/daddy problems. My heart weeps."

_Uggh! Krudski! He can be so freaking condescending, like being rich is a bad thing. Though it's not like MY family's exactly rich._

"Gentlemen."

_Good. _ _Finn's here. Let's just get this race started._

"There is an obstacle to winning here today. And it's you, Mr. Krudski."

_Nice! Glad Finn thought Krudski was being condescending, too._

_And Scout must've thought so as well 'cuz he's laughing._

"What? Hey, I was just—"

"And you, Mr. Calhoun."

_Yes! I'm glad Scout's being called out for being a prick. Jake sounds happy about it, too._

"And you..."

_Jake?! Why is he blaming Jake?_

"...and you..."

_Me?! I didn't do anything except come to Jake's defense._ _Who does Finn think he is?_

_Uggh. Now he's stopped blaming people and is going into one of his lame Dead Poet's Society speeches. _

_Blah blah blah. "This race is important." Blah blah blah. "Personal obstacles." _

"_..._and you won't just be winners in today's race."

_Enough talking! Can't we just race already?_

"Let's go win."

_Finally!_

"Let's go!"

...

_I can't believe we won! That was so close. But seeing Jake's face as we crossed the finish line, I knew that we'd done it. _

_And I love the fact that I got to share that moment with Jake. It's so cool that we get to face each other when we race. And when we practice._

_Mmmm. I can't wait to "practice" with Jake._

_But now they're calling us over for a team photo. I'm so excited to finally be in a team photo for the school. For years I've roamed the corridors looking at the school trophies and team photos, and I finally get to be a part of that history. I finally really belong. And Jake's by my side, which'll make it even more perfect. _

_I wonder if he's still wearing his pearls under his sweatshirt! I'll have to ask him later, once his mom is gone._

_And maybe then we can find some time to "practice."_

...

When Jake opened the door to his dorm room, Hamilton peered inside expectantly, asking, "Is your mom gone?"

"You think I'd bring her back here if she wasn't?"

_Oh right! And Jake's back in his boy clothes, too—I should've realized._

"So, you said your goodbyes and stuff?"

"Yep. I won't see her again until the end of August."

_Jake sounds kind of resigned to it but also a little depressed. Maybe I can cheer him up._

"Well, I came over to see if you wanted to join me and my parents for a celebratory dinner tonight. Pizza and ice cream."

"Pass."

_Pass?!_ _He didn't even take a moment to think about it._

"Why not?"

"Because, Hamilton, after the weekend I just had, I just want a chance to hang out and be MYSELF."

"You can be yourself at dinner."

_Jake's giving me a look. I guess pretending to be a boy in front of my parents isn't exactly being herself. _

_But neither was pretending to be a girl in front of her mom. _

_I guess Jake just wants some time where he doesn't have to keep track of all the lies._

_But what about MY lies?_

"My mom's expecting you. She wanted you to come celebrate the big win with us, since you couldn't celebrate with your mom."

"She knows about my mom?!"

_Whoa! Zero to stressed in one second._

"Chill. She doesn't suspect or anything. I just said that your mom was here this weekend but had to leave before the race."

_Which wasn't exactly true but was as close to true as I could share._

_And Jake seems relieved with what I told my mom. Good. I don't want to cause him MORE stress._

Sitting down on his bed, Jake teased, "So I guess you're getting better at this whole 'lying' thing, huh?"

_Yeah, I guess I am._

"What can I say?" Hamilton teased as he sat down on the floor by the bed, leaning his head back to grin up at her. "I learned from the best."

"Yeah," Jake sighed. "So did I."

_Who does he mean? His mom? She didn't seem like a big liar to me._

_Unless…_

"Do you think your mom will really show my photos to Peter Beard?"

"Probably. She seemed really impressed by your photography."

_Okay, good! At least she wasn't lying about that._

"She seemed pretty nice." _And didn't Jake say she'd performed in three different languages?_ "And smart, too."

"Well, she definitely gets that she doesn't really know me."

_Of course she doesn't._

"Yeah. Well, how could she?"

"What?!"

_Jake seems upset. Better explain._

"Well, I mean, there wasn't a moment when you were honest with her."

_Everything Jake said to his mom—about the school, about the race, about me—was all a lie. Jake didn't even look like himself._

"How could I be, with how she is?"

"How exactly is she?" _She seemed nice to me. Though maybe she was only acting nice because I was there._ "Is she mean to you?"

"No."

"Then what is it?" _What other things do our classmates complain about?_ "Does she drink too much?"

"No."

_If she's single, perhaps..._

"Evil boyfriends?"

"No."

_Crazy? Better not say it that way._

"Mental problems?"

"Nooooo..."

_I can't think of anything else._

"Well then, what's the problem?"

"She ignores me. Always has."

_Ignoring's not that bad. My dad ignores me most of the time, too. _

_But he's not my only parent. I guess if I only had my dad, that would suck._

_And at least I get to see my dad some, even though he wasn't around this weekend. Jake's been shipped off to boarding schools for years._

_And it sounds like his mom doesn't pay him much attention even when he's not at school._

Jake sighed. "I was never as interesting as her friends..."

_Well, with friends like Peter Beard!_

"...or her work..."

_She's traveled all over the world performing—that's gotta be interesting._

...or her."

_Yeah, I guess she did seem pretty impressed with herself. I s'pose if you have a mom that's that conceited, you'd want to do everything you could to get her to notice you._

_Even if it meant setting fire to the curtains. Or dressing like a boy._

_Though she did notice that Jake and I were together, so she might not be quite as self-centered as Jake thinks._

"You know what?" Hamilton asked, getting off the floor and crawling onto the bed, straddling Jake's legs. "She knows you better than you think. I mean, she knew you were hot for me."

Jake looked him straight in the eyes as she teased, "Like I said, she doesn't know me."

_Very funny!_

_But man, what a smile! Jake looks so good._

_And she'd look even better if..._

"Would you put that dress back on?"

Jake crinkled her nose as she sat up straighter, her face mere inches from Hamilton's.

"I want to make out with you at least once without questioning my sexuality."

Jake instantly closed the distance between their lips, rolling Hamilton over onto his back.

_Screw my sexuality. I don't need to have Jake in a dress. Or Jacqueline in cargo pants. _

_I just need her lips on mine to know that we belong together._

_And hopefully there will be lots of "practicing" in our future!_

…

END OF PART 5


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